Living With Gladys Full Time

So, here I am in the gorgeousness of Dalyan Turkey, writing my blog under the stars, with the Kings Tombs lit up hauntingly yet comfortingly in front of me, the music from the bars inviting me out behind me and the roof terrace of my adored and most favoured place the Hotel Dalyando nurturing my soul and soothing my spirit. Arrive here as a stranger and leave as part of the family with a clutch of new friends to boot. What a life, AND what at a summer!!!

Its been jam packed full with adventure, music, sun, sea, sand dunes, beautiful beaches, naked sunbathing, mountains,  travel, road trips friends, family, new friends, clubs, parties, raves, festivals, carnivals, boats, tents, drum circles, bicycles, castles, stones, accidents, A&E, joy, love and loss.  A summer that has richly contributed to my soul memory bank for sure. Thank you everyone for your love, energy, laughter, time and the joy you have brought me this summer. Thank you my solstice Angel for adding to my joy and bringing your beauty. Lets see what wonders and adventures the autumn brings us!

Sadly for me last week My beautiful and adored mum made her final check out from the old alzheimer riddled folks home where she had been put somewhat unkindly almost 3 years ago. She cleverly went quickly and seemingly without much fuss, typical mum, just got on with it in her own way. Blimey though, it rocked me. It felt like my root had been ripped from me, my anchor, my core. As you know Im totally OK with the death thing, we are Energy, Energy cannot be eradicated so we all live on. Mum was frail and ravaged by the chronic disease of alzheimers (coconut oil by the way is having some amazing results in not only slowing its progression but also reinstating brain function) and to be frank although the home was kindly and clean my mum was an outdoors non telly watching chick. Being stuck indoors with the TV on all day, playing bingo and being spoon fed custard would not have been her first choice of living conditions had she been afforded that choice in the first place. No, Im glad she has transitioned to the next plane and is amongst those she cherished and lost long ago and more recently my lovely dad, lets hope his enlightened state prevents him from criticising her in any way!! So I was unprepared for the level of pain and sadness I felt. Lucky I had already booked a sneaky week to Turkey, its restorative power has very quickly worked its magic on me like a charm 🙂

Those that know me know that I like a jewel or two, all of my jewellery has a story attached to it, either to its procurement, a memory cast in silver of where I’ve been or a memory from a cherished loved one. A few people along the way have added their contributions to the wrist of bangled fame. Since April of this year though I have ‘not lost’ but no longer have the 3 rings that Alistair bought me over the years we were together. I say not lost because i know exactly where they are, I just can’t get them. The second ring he ever bought for me from one of our first trips to the Brighton Lanes together rests deep in the floor in St Peters Church in Vauxhall, a place very dear to my heart, not because of its holiness but because my love of dance and the untethering of inhibition began there. As you know from previous posts, Tantric dance was one of the cornerstones of my foundation of change. The ring rolled clean off my cold finger and straight down the metal grid and under the floor. So its not lost I just can’t get it but I know where it is.

The third ring Alistair bought me was from the Isle of Mull, we had a few days there in an old “Falty Towers” type hotel on our way up to stay with our dear and cherished Tweddle family on the Black Isle for Easter many years ago. It now rests at Stonehenge, lodged somewhere amongst the great stones where I solsticed and met my solstice Angel. Kinda nice I feel , the significance of that. Its not lost, I just can’t get it but i know where it is.

The first ring that Alistair  ever bought me, he had made on our first ever trip abroad together in Sri Lanka. We had one each made after he had a dream in which a man said to him… go to the ring maker!!! Peridot and silver. Mine tiny (my beautiful friend Kenan of Unique Art in Dalyan who is as we speak resizing a couple of rings for me says.. thats not a ring size, that size is so tiny it doesnt even exist) and Alistairs huge.  Today as I swam in the sea in Dalyan it came right off my finger and plopped to the bottom of the sea. Its not lost i just can’t get it but i know where it is.

I like the places where these rings are resting. Im OK with it. Wherever I go in life, these places will always be there and so too will my rings and the history that is woven into them.

So as I sit in the most wonderful surroundings in the warmth of the Turkish sun recharging my batteries and pondering my journey thus far since February 2015 when i lost Alistair from my life (he’s not lost, i know where he is i just can’t get to him) I give thanks for my adventures, for the opportunities that our amazing Universe has presented me with, for my courage to meet, greet and involve myself fully in those adventures and for the gradual dawning of my wild free spirit. I know that as a consequence of my change and growth other people close to me also have to embrace change. Thank you loved ones for your willingness to embrace me as I evolve. Change is not always easy but:

Change my friends is inevitable, embrace it, go with it, don’t over think it:-

“One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it’s worth watching.”

Namaste xxx

I asked, The Universe provided, and now, Im navigating myself through new and unchartered territory, as my life’s tapestry takes on another hue, weaves another pattern and deepens my souls experience. What did I ask, Why am I bare footed, Why am I wearing feathers and Why am I in unchartered waters I hear you ask!!! Well, as ever with me, theres no short answer and theres a story attached to the answer and it goes like this ….

I spent Solstice on The Stones at Stonehenge with my Soul Sister the beautiful and amazing Tara. I love her.  It was probably one of The Best nights of my entire life so far. It was quite simply awesome. To be around so much peace and love and light and wonderful like minded people just wanting to gather together peacefully for one of the highlights in the pagan year was utterly amazing. And, To be ON THE STONES…wow wow wow.To see the Strawberry Moon rise, and the Sunset and then the Sunrise and the Moon out together….stunning. How and why have I never done this before!!!!

Sadly I lost one of the cornerstones of my foundation of change…my beautiful hat, THE HAT, the 50th, the Liberty special, part of the overture of my awakening. In the days that followed my head felt neglected and naked.. and i became curiously drawn to feathers and started putting them into my hair!! Why wouldn’t you?? The feathers are very Zillah-esque and have become a bit of a Zillah trademark. Admirably, I did keep my sangfroid during the loss of the hat experience….as a good friend said to me “It wasn’t needed anymore then”!! My friends are so amazing 🙂

Around the same time that the feathers came in, the shoes came off!!! Maybe Im turning into a bird!!! I don’t know why, suffice to say I felt the absolute need to connect with Mother Earth for as long as I could whenever I could. Its very freeing, I urge you to try it!! It also helps that Ive been a lover of bare footedness for a long time (albeit in more appropriate settings in the past)  so the soles of my tootsies can withstand all manner of textures, sharp jabs and hot surfaces!!

The next bit’s so weird it has the hallmark of the Universe all over it and is to me synchronicity at its best! I asked The Universe the morning of Solstice to help find me the right person for me to have an intimate friendship with. I want to continue to shine on like a fucking crazy diamond, I want to keep inspiring, I want to fill others with joy and to find joy in all that I do, and since writing my last blog post “Lone Wolf No Club” I also realised I wanted to feel the loving embrace of a mans arms around me, to wake up with and snuggle down with someone and cuddle puddle with them all night long, to sober rave with them, to travel, to laugh and to be free with them and to be cherished. Not much to ask!! But Blimey, The Universe works quickly sometimes…Our eyes met over the stones and that was bloody well that!!!! Enough said 🙂

And so my friends, I find myself in very unchartered waters. Navigating independence and individuality with unity. This is a first for me. I have posted previously about my pattern of serving and being servile. Not going there again. I am naturally loving and caring and tactile, definitely want to keep those qualities. I have grown so very much in the past 18 months. But there is more growing to do and ever more learning….

To my beautiful family and friends who have been privy to this next part of my journey, thank you from the depths of my heart for your acceptance and understanding xx

“The time to weep is yesterday, a new smile has come” (The Roving Crows…Great Band)

Namaste friends 🙂

I always loved to be on the back of Alistair’s Harley… totally hated riding my own, but sitting behind Alistair, man there was nothing else like it. There’s a metaphor in there too for me isn’t there?

I suppose I never really wanted to be up the front, in the lead- well unless i was running or in a competition, then of course 1st was the only position to be in. In a relationship I was always happy to follow, always happy to serve – no disrespect  intended to women here so don’t jump up and down on your feminist band waggon sisters, Im not advocating a woman’s place, Im juxtaposing where I was up until Alistair’s death and where I am now. Nothing like my best friend, lover, soul mate and counter beat to my heartbeat completing his Souls contract and going home early ahead of me to set me on a trajectory of immense change!

And its becoming apparent that that trajectory has been steered wholly by synchronistic winks from The Universe with the sole purpose of opening me up to my souls purpose!  Looking back, when Alistair died I guess i had 3 choices:

1. Shut down and live a very small insular life
2. Fill the void with someone else and continue the pattern of serving
3. Find myself in my own right and shine like a fucking crazy diamond

Obviously having a learned and pretty much lifelong predisposition to being a crab apple I had always favoured option one!!! Being totally in love and faithful to Alistair’s memory i believed option 2 was never gonna happen (OK 18 months on theres some movement here but not in terms of needing a life partner) and option 3 was never an option until it just became who I became. Thats how our amazing Universe works!!  Along the way Ive met beautiful souls who’ve taught me more in a short time than I could ever have imagined possible. Thank you 🙂

I choose to smile and I choose to love, honestly and sincerely, even when Im sad or a little bit hurting. And its attracting such amazing affirmation, joy, love and shiny beautiful souls, I’d thoroughly recommend it as a way of being. Nothing can change what life throws at you so you might as well smile anyway I say !! What an amazing tapestry thats being sewn, what beautiful memories woven into my soul.

Of course, I miss with an ache deep in my heart being held tightly and securely in a mans arms, i can weep, instantly, at the memory of Alistair’s arm encircling me. A cuddle bun I most certainly am… I never understand these people that sleep about a million miles away from each other in bed, whats that all about? Get involved in the cuddle puddle guys, wrap your arms and legs around each other as if your life depends on it, breathe in the scent from each others skin and lose yourself in the one unifying breath because one day it won’t be there, make the most of it or don’t be in it, the void is a disconnection of energy, love and passion, no good for the soul!!

For me, for now, for my soul to shine, for me to inspire and for me to grow and learn I need to be a lone wolf 🙂 The Awakening of my spirit has opened my creativity, my passion and my true light and I want to be free to keep that flame burning. To be as free as a bird.

I was catching up with a friend in my beautiful spiritual garden the other day and he said ” just look at this little space, its totally amazing Rebekah what you’ve created here, its actually you in a garden, full of love and beauty and joy” …how lovely, what a beautiful affirmation.

Many people don’t know this new me, I don’t always know me, because after I fell apart, I put my pieces back totally differently! And Im keeping the change for as long as it serves me 🙂

I met a lovely guy on one of my recent outings and he said “we only know this totally wild, crazy, full of energy bright shiny woman who really lives on a totally different planet”!

Planet Zillah awaits… who wants to join 🙂

Namaste

Let Her Be Free
Rebekah-Zillah 🙏💜💕☮n💜⭐️🌞🙏☯🕉💚💙

By the Plumbago
Or Behind the Yellow Gate
Places I’ve been to
I drift to of late

Resting my mind
As my spirit awakens
Shedding the layers
Of self preservation

Removing the shackles
That branded and tied me
To the strong Will of others
My true Self I could not be

Nurtured and Fed
By the spoon of control
I Learnt to conform –
for human acceptance
Not advancing my Soul

My Inner Shine ebbed
Through tirelessly giving
Pliant and loving
Programmed young for this living

And yet this fulfilled me
Nothing else had I known
For the currency of approval
Demanded others needs before my own

And therein is my beauty
The gift of giving beyond measure
Not to question or challenge
The sake of harmony my pleasure

Only Death could release me
Although It’s lesson first Unknown
I remained bound in my sorrow
Loyal and Alone

Yet The Soul awakens violently
In Trauma and Pain
And try as I might
Change could not be contained

A spiritual awakening
Leaves me Wild not tame
Joy Love and Passion
Igniting my flame

A flame that extinguished
Left no belief unturned
That any vestige of conformity
Must be surrendered and burned

And In its wake,my Free Spirit
Shining brightly with Love
A light worker, An Inspirator
To Spread Joy from Above

My Energy is Freedom
My currency Love
My heart beats for Peace
And whispers “just trust”

In this amazing Universe
That holds Us dear in Its Heart
That connects us to Joy
Our Souls eternal art 🙂

Om Shanti & Namaster X

” Sorrow prepares you for joy- It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place” (Rumi).

And there it is, simple and straight forward… Sorrow prepared me for joy! Who knew!!- Well as it turns out Rumi and my beautiful friend who casually yet with the wisdom of a sage said just the other day…. ” But you had to experience all that hard difficult stuff to really know and experience the joy that you now know”!! Thanks Beautiful, between you and Rumi Im making a lot of sense of life 🙂

I don’t know why Ive been so confused about the immense feelings of joy that are radiating through me… Im always banging on about polar opposites to my clients,  we are never just all one thing and yet we give ourselves such a hard time when we veer away from a positive behaviour towards its ‘negative’ . But the opposite is always there, we can’t have light without dark, life without death, selflessness without selfishness.

In this lifetime of mine, I know I will know sorrow again, for many different reasons, and I will know forever that joy will be always ready and waiting to shake the yellow leaves from the bough of my heart.. Thank you Rumi for your beautiful insight, for helping me peep into my heart and learn such an amazing lesson. What a gift! To quote a line from one of my favourites songs ” Im not frightened of this World anymore” (Thank you for the Days, Kirsty MacColl of course).

Other gifts have come along too to weave their magic into creating a pretty awesome design for the tapestry of this next chapter of my life. The Universe as ever has presented opportunities for me to make amazing new friends, Im grateful to them for their gifts and teachings 🙂 I grateful to myself too for having the courage to act on those opportunities 🙂

Four other gifts have been truly transformational in laying the foundation for a huge awakening in my soul, unleashing a flow of energy so vibrant and enchanting that has been held captive deep within me since the writing of my soul contract, or perhaps it has always been there and Im only just seeing and feeling it.

My Liberty Hat was the first catalyst, I bought it for myself on my birthday last year, its not only that its infused with such beautiful memories for my soul of that day in Liberty with three of the most amazing women that I have in my life, beautiful Candace, my beautiful sister Kate and my equally beautiful niece Sophie and of course the new generation, The Rascal and the little quaver, its that it has literally given me an identity shift to welcome the newly growing me. Its become part of who I am in a weird way. Bloody love that hat.

Zillah was the second (although from a family tree perspective I think I’m the 4th)!!!.. .. Ah how I love her, she is wild wild wild let me tell you, her energy and thirst for life is immense. She came steaming into my life without a moments hesitation, like she’s been on pause just waiting for the invite and brought with her Im sure past lives and past lives of magic, wisdom, wildness and guts. Zillah met the Hat and my identity shifted again!

Tantric Dance was the third…Its almost unspeakable the shift it made in me, immediately!! And how I love love love to dance now, it moves my soul and awakens my passion every time. its beautiful for me to feel passion again and passionate about living life to the very full. Tantric met Zillah and the Hat and the identity shift shifted yet again.

The fourth was my treasured Triple Goddess tattoo.. Maiden Mother and Crone, emblazoned on me forever, enticing me forwards into the unknown with such spirit and knowing its like Ive trodden the path before (Zillah certainly has of that I have no doubt). The Triple Goddess met Tantric and Zillah and the Hat and I was reborn.

Sorrow without doubt prepares you for Joy x 🙂

Om Shanti

Another first, another success,  Camping alone!  I started writing this blog yesterday evening under the starry skies on my trusty tattered old sheepskin rug next to my roaring campfire whilst praying ” Oh please Dear God help my tiny bones remember the sweet warmth of this campfire in the tiniest and coldest hours of the night, Please”!

It had been mighty cold the night before, and I mean mighty. It reminded me of our first winter in Gladys when we were wet behind the ears and ill prepared for the cold winter that year brought, but of course then I’d had the warmth of Big Bear to snuggle up to. Not so these days obviously so I’d had to resort to almost hyperventilating by breathing in and out through my mouth just to warm the air up around my head!!  However, a hot water bottle had been hastily borrowed so warmth should surely be my bed companion on the second night of this wild woman expedition!

Why did I go? Its a valid question friends and one that has been asked to me by many. A lovely wiser and much older woman whom I have had the pleasure of knowing for many many years and who I visited yesterday said to her husband ” Isn’t she brave to camp on her own”, ” No” he replied “She’s bloody stupid”!!

I didn’t know exactly why I needed to camp but I knew back in February that I did. It was after the communal yurt experience, something stirred in me, being so close to the Earth and I needed more of it.  This particular weekend had been in my diary since the beginning of March. I’d had to jiggle it around college weekends (another year to go on that front, be so glad when I’ve completed it), work and a social calendar that believe it or not is pretty damn busy, thats something that this former crab apple would never have dreamt of hearing herself say six months ago. In truth though it didnt’ just happen, I’ve created it. I’ve worked really hard to live each day to the full, to find joy in my life,  to let my heart smile, to make myself vulnerable, to risk rejection and put myself forward for things that I may or may not have liked and the end result of that is that full calendar filled with stuff that by and large I love love love.

But, back to the camping story….

I was supposed to be going to Cumbria, way up in the Northern most Lakes for a spot of wild swimming, a bit of hill walking as much as my knackered out knee joint would manage and some soaking up of the fabulous energy that the Lake District has to offer. But a cold weather front intervened (or so I thought) and so with the help of a couple of girlfriends a new location was sought, Glastonbury or Sussex was what it boiled down to. My girlfriend asked me- “ Why are you going, you’re going to freeze my dear tiny friend”? My reply was honest “To Re-Earth myself Kim and I really wanted rugged and wild”. “ Sussex then if you want wild” she said,  “Glastonbury is too chilled-you’ll float come from there”

So, thats where I ended up, in the heart of the South Downs at an amazing little site, in my own little glade aptly named ‘Boho’ practicing not being cold (failed) and reminding myself how to live simply, to need less, to want less, to give more, to open my heart, to have the courage to feel again and to reconnect with the Chi Energy of our dear Mother Earth. The site managers are adorable, we hit it off straight away, she has a love of all things alternative and likes to hug, whats not to like?

I actually had an amazing weekend, I never cease to be amazed by the synchronistic workings of The Universe, the lining up of the right people at the right time, a change in location, a reason for me being where I was when I was. I was totally meant to be in Sussex this weekend. The pull to Re-Earth was so overwhelming but there was so much more in store for me. Around that amazing campfire I went inwards,befriended my discomfort, wept freely and let go of old beliefs that I have held about myself for far too long. Stubborn ones that have refused to relinquish fully their hold of self doubt over me for the best part of 24 years when I first started my journey of spiritual practice and inner growth. Beliefs that had been overcome in one situation only to pop up unexpectedly when I find myself in a new situation putting me on an unconscious trajectory of procrastination, passiveness or downright fear. I am always always always willing to look inwards, Im always willing to do the emotional work, those that have worked with me know that I believe firmly that you can’t do any kind of emotional bypass,spiritual or otherwise. you have to meet, greet, let go of and heal those damn limiting beliefs that are handed down  from generation to generation until someone (in this case me) says STOP, I want to be free and feel differently about myself and my place in this world. Its a bit like shedding layers isn’t it, getting to who I really am when I let go of who or how I thought I was expected to be.

I woke this morning, snuggled like a dormouse in a tiny ball of warmth under about a million blankets and duvets and wrapped like a silkworm in a sleeping bag and unusually for me a little reticent to get outside into the cold! However, my love for tea the moment I wake up overrode my ‘not manning up to the cold’ moment. As I sat with my tea contemplating the past 48 hours of my wild woman expedition it dawned on me that actually ‘the campfire experience of letting go of limitations’ had been one of the best ‘workshops I have ever actually attended!! And the best I have facilitated, I held a really good space for myself and took great care of myself throughout!!!

And would you believe…I met with the owner of the site, I met with the adorable site managers, they have a perfect almost private little bit of woodland with a beautiful story attached to it, overlooking the South Downs with glade pitches for five or six tents and a huge glade at the bottom for me to run (only for the bravest of souls) a beautiful weekend retreat under canvas…”The Campfire Experience of Letting Go” ,to borrow a quote from the wonderful David Bowie “…an extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been”

What an adventure I’ve had this weekend, what a blessing that I ended up in Sussex and what an exciting opportunity The Universe has presented me with. Synchronicity at it’s best. Im receiving many blessings just now and I receive them with gratitude and love.

Om Shanti and Namaste friends x

I dont want to use the widow label anymore… i don’t want to be boxed in or fit a brand… i just want to be me…rebekah-zillah

I never really know whats going to appear in these posts until i start writing and then the hope is that I can somehow un-jumble the tapestry of riches that life has bestowed upon me since the last post into something that is meaningful and read-worthy.

Ive just returned from a weekend in Cologne staying with a beautiful couple that I met in India on the last day of my holiday last November. In India she called me “The lady on the sunbed”. Now she calls me her sister. The three of us only had a brief encounter of about 10 minutes in India, our friendship since then has flourished thanks to the wonders of social media!

The Universe, once again, placed the right people at the right time for me on my pathway. The pathway of the life of Rebekah- Zillah that began but a few short months ago when Zillah arrived and I made my first faltering steps, inwardly anxious, as my child sized feet stepped up to the seemingly Herculean task of rebuilding a happy, satisfying and joyful life for myself. Each step bringing new experiences, creating more memories for my soul and teaching me more and more about the latent inner resources that I carry deep within.

So my two german friends… They say like attracts like, and we did!. As I arrived at their home nestled deep within the forest, I was greeted by an abundance of crystals and stones, huge lumps of amethyst, dream catchers and crystal sun catchers each carrying its own beautiful healing energy and peace giving qualities. When the heart chakra is open and connected to another soul, being in their company is effortless, conversation flows easily and silences are relaxed, hours are confused with minutes and smiles and joy from deep within leave a feeling of deep contentment. Safe to say we three connected our heart chakras. They welcomed me and loved me and cared for me. What a gift.

They even had walking shoes in the right size for me; “These shoes will await your return Rebekah, as will the house”. Of course I know that I will have to add to that welcome with my own teacup, theres many a cupboard far and wide, near and far paying homage to little secondhand bone china Rebekah teacup. Rest assured if you have a teacup  of mine in your home you are dearly held in my heart!!

I would have visited anyway at some point in the year but essentially I went to join the big 50th birthday celebration. 100 guests, live music and a new destination to explore with fab people, whats not to like. Nothing, there was nothing not to like so why the uneasy feeling that started a wrestling match in my guts as the party started? Weird, Im not afraid of crowds, Im no shrinking violet and I can chat shit as good as the next person. Fair enough, in this particular instance the shit that was most likely being chatted was in German of which I have no knowledge but all the same. And I did look just ever so slightly different to everyone else, but then I look different to everyone else in Saffy and thats never set off any insecurities.

So, poker face set- I dont mean that I had a face as long as West Street, I mean that I kept a smile on my face that I hope  reached my eyes and didn’t give away the inner wobble that was gathering strength and threatening to take me hostage. I felt homesick, I wanted to be in my garden, my bastion of safety and calm, with my favourite teapot and my eclectic choice of teacup with me wrapped up in my Mexican prayer rug burning incense and I suppose in all honesty looking like I belong in the loony bin!

Still, I smiled.

I’ve only ever come close to a real panic attack twice, once the day after Alistair passed, the why’s and wherefores of that are unimportant now, and the first time ever was in Germany nearly 2 years ago when I came face to face with the worst situation and the worst few days I have ever had to live through in my life. Ive been through some shit over the years, lets be honest, who hasn’t, but to help you understand where this memory sits in the hierarchy of difficulty, it was worse than the day my ex husband had me arrested and I spent 9 hours in a police cell fearing I would spend even more time at Her Majesty’s Pleasure. And, it was worse than the day Alistair died. Ive written about this so no need to rewrite history, suffice to say, Alistair went into kidney failure and nearly died, I was alone, didn’t speak the language, didnt actually have a clue where I was, had nowhere to stay and felt sick to my guts with worry that he would die in Germany and just didnt know at all what was going to happen.

And there you have it Ladies and Gentleman… a brilliant example of how an anchor can be triggered, in this case an auditory and kinaesthetic one, the sound and feeling of being surrounded by German voices  brought all  the emotions flooding back that actually belonged to that traumatic event from my past 2 years ago.  No shit Sherlock! I had no idea that was lodged somewhere deep in my bones, loitering with intent waiting for its moment to strike. Maybe the BioEnergetics workshop moved it a bit closer to the surface last weekend!

Still I smiled. I smiled and chatted and made friends and we crept back at 2 o’clock in the morning.. the sign of a good party. And, I have had an utterly enjoyable weekend and count my blessings for the friendship and love of these two dear people who I know will be long standing friends. They tell me there is package waiting for me in Berlin… which basically means I must go back. However, the unease and homesick feeling stayed, all day, in the sun, walking in the clean air with the sound of running water with amazing countryside, all the way to the airport and all the way home. Even knowing its origin didn’t shift it. It stayed right up until the moment I got back to ‘Mynzies’, dressed like a loony, lit the incense and took tea in the garden. Then all of me smiled.

And to the one person that knew what was going on and helped me dig deep, find my courage and keep smiling, to borrow your phrase, I say to you “A Thousand Thank you’s” x

Om Shanti x

I just had a good chuckle to myself as I started to write this as I thought “I wonder if people will think Im crackers as I try to explain where Im at in life right now” and then realised that probably yes and who cares anyway!!

The bewitching and protective charms that surround and overflow at ‘Mynzies’ have been intensified by the addition of Monte, a beautiful slate dragon who sits atop the roof casting his protective gaze up and down the street and bringing his unique dragon energy fairly and squarely into this beautiful and amazing space. How I adore living here.  It is said that a dragon will never reveal his real name to you and whilst waiting to ‘hear‘ his name you refer to him as Mon-Te. Too impatient to wait and lead astray by Candace and Kirt, he was christened Monte immediately. I love that dragon. I feel his energy. A neighbour asked incredulously “Why do you have a dragon on the roof”?. Given the intense feeling he has stirred up in me all I could answer was “Why wouldn’t you?” Not quite sure she could fathom me! Equally unsure I wanted to be fathomed by her!!

To my knowledge, only one of my posts has caused offence and upset, to Alistair actually, and that was of course never my intention. It was during the deepest most desperate part of our journey together when he was nearing the end of his life here on Earth. A Morphine addled brain joined a deeply held insecurity that pre-dated  our union with a disbelief of my unconditional love for him given his needs and physical state. I wrote about the toughness of the demands on me and BOOM.. it went off like a ten bob rocket. As I said, my blog was never ever intended to cause pain but it was always meant to be totally honest, through the good times and the bad.  Thats what makes it unique, loveable and readable I think. A friend stayed for the weekend and dipped into it and said ” Oh my god… its like your heart is holding the pen”. It is.

So please, family and friends, don’t weave a meaning or thread a storyboard together as my story unfolds in this post. Im merely sharing the discoveries with you that I make as my new path unfolds before me.

As I feel myself awaken from a slumber so deep within, a passion for life is uncoiling and presenting itself in all manner of alternative guises that have hitherto gone unexplored. And, I am for the first time ever, really free to embrace life without fear of upsetting anyone. I neither have to check with nor mind anyone else’s feelings. I don’t have to compromise, I don’t have to put my needs, wants and desires to the back of the queue. I don’t have to adjust my responses to avoid upset, Not an applecart in sight!! What a joy.

The spirited enthusiasm for life and abundant energy I find myself with just now makes sense as I have only me to pour my energy into. Over the years my energy has been poured – albeit lovingly- into everything else outside of me. For a long time.

I grew up in a household that thrived on tension and my attention and energy as a child was largely spent making sure everyone around me was happy, in an unconscious bid to lift the tension. My parents decision to ride out their partnership for the sake of the children came with a price attached to it. The stage was set; The giving continued and I poured my heart into my first marriage, my beautiful children, my darling Alistair and his 3 children, our practice, our home, our financial security, my parents as they became infirm and their needs increased and ultimately Alistair’s final journey. None of which I regret, at all, let me be clear about that. My gift to my friends and family is the unconditional love and friendship that I bring and my philosophy is pretty simple, if you give and expect something in return, thats a job, if you give and expect nothing thats Love. Seems a nice way to be to me too. And I am so enjoying being on the receiving end of my unconditional loving and giving to myself. It feels good, I hope it feels this good for my friends who are on the receiving end of it too.

And I shouldn’t be surprised that ‘time for me’ is coinciding with the natural rhythms of my body, as I transition from Mother to Wise Woman ( Crone in proper terms but it conjures up such an unattractive image I feel). Time for my Wild Woman to come out and play!!

All of these momentous turning points in my life I felt had to be marked with something equally momentous and what better than a beautiful Triple Goddess Tattoo beautifully and skilfully inked in hues of purple and pink that, each time my eye catches it, creates a feeling within like Ive come home to myself.

“Winds in the east, mist coming in like something is brewing about to begin, can’t put my finger on what lies in store but I feel whats to happen all happened before” P,L, Travers

Namaste xx

Since my trip to India life has woven a pretty spectacularly rich tapestry for me, or perhaps I should say I have gathered the threads of life and woven myself a pretty colourful and richly blessed tapestry.

Here I am in Marrakech with the adorable Kirt and my gorgeous nephew Flynn, to celebrate our lives and the returning of Alistair’s Soul back home, a full calendar year ago. Kirt and I have named the day “Happy Return to Soul Day”… It sounds much better than our first attempt ” Happy Death Day”!!  which made perfect sense, we celebrate Birth days after all. But no, Happy return to Soul Day is softer on the ears and a  touch gentler on the heart too!

Marrakech is perfectly crazy and I literally have not stopped laughing since the three of us got together Thursday evening. It would seem my adorable travelling companions are used to a slower pace of life than their crazy Mumma- Aunt!! Never thought I would have written that a year ago! Although a year ago I truly believed  I would be an insular nun like creature that talked mainly to her plants and lived some half life not really needing anything or anyone other than the memories held in my heart of my life up to that point with Big Bear (Alistair). As I said in my last post, clearly The Universe has totally different plans for me! And it turns out Im loving those plans!!

But about today, thank you to my friends who messaged and called ahead of time to send love and check how I’m doing, and thank you thank you thank you ‘Chapel Girl’ for the most thoughtful present left on my doorstep in readiness for this weekend. What a beautiful serendipitous crossing of our paths!

Its been funny, and I don’t mean that in a disrespectful way, receiving a couple of truly heartfelt but condolency type wishes this week (“We hope you can find a moments happiness or some peace this sad and difficult week”). I fully understand the intention of kindness behind these wishes but the sadness and grief being conveyed just doesn’t resonate with me, its like Im trying to understand a different language. Truthfully, since Alistair journeyed back home, I have known a deep sense of peace and even during some difficult, deeply feeling and emotional days I knew happiness was still there inside me. But, I guess people can only imagine how they would be feeling and project that onto how I must be feeling in order to try to understand it? And of course, naturally, many people in my situation absolutely do feel like that.

Surely though you’ve all got a good measure of me by now, not one to tread a conventional path, not in grief, not in love, not in spiritual beliefs and not in life! And life now is absolutely calling me… loudly.

As you know, the the Tantric Trance dance woke my soul, and Ive stayed awake, totally switched on since that night in Vauxhall (“one night in Vauxhall one night in Vauxhall”!) and theres a part of me refusing to not dance, anywhere! And thats really strange you know. I haven’t danced freely or inconspicuously  (not sure if thats a real word) since being lost in my own little world of dance moves at a school disco many many years ago, probably also wearing my odd little mix of clothes, and of course a bunch of girls laughed at me. Unknowingly they stole my freedom and my spirit and I have never danced openly since. Until now..Its seems that dancing blind fold connected me to a natural rhythm so deep in my bones that my soul stirred and connected me with something HUGE.

I had an amazing time at the festival and the yurt was FAB, friendships were forged that I know will be long standing and my pledge to myself to wear my metaphorical blindfold and bystand no longer reaped much joy and pleasure. So much so I wonder why I stayed a crab apple for so long!! Its like a new doorway to life and a new way of being has opened up to me. And then, of course, a little Universal synchronicity got involved and I sat and listened to a truly inspirational guy, ‘Chris Paradox’, look him up. He spoke about seeing through eyes of divine happiness and living in a way that honours joy and doesn’t turn that joy down in order to fit in with social norms. Makes sense right. How often do you sing and dance out loud in the privacy of your own home and then shut right up and walk properly down the street in your own little silo? So he keeps his joy turned right up, full volume, on the tube, on the bus and sings, out loud whilst always looking for the beauty rather than the judgmental slight in what he sees. Love it

So, that little part of me that refuses to not dance, thats the joy in my life that I will not turn down. And I have danced, out loud, on the train, on the platform, and its done a few things. Firstly, Ive stayed full of beans and very smiley, and actually really fun to be around. Secondly, people around me have started to smile although there has also  been some staring (hasn’t killed me) and thirdly, there have been some buttoned up city types (sorry for the pigeon hole city workers) that have actually loosened up, visibly. Viewing life in this way has also shown me how many folk walk about totally turned down, rushed, and quite frankly looking thoroughly miserable.

And that got me wondering about peoples lives (Im so nosey).Remember the Shaman I quote fairly often in my blog posts? He said, if you don’t know why you have something in your life, be that a possession, a job, a relationship, an object, go away and either rediscover your passion and its meaning or let it go. I wonder how many folk just get lost in the daily struggle, the bump, the grind, doing what they think and feel is expected of them, but somewhat joylessly and not connected to what  got them into it in the first place? If thats you, its time to rediscover, renew, reconnect or perhaps let something go.

This Shamanic approach has become deeply entwined in my philosophy as I wonder along life’s pathway, with a very different perspective than I have had previously. A while ago, I met up with a guy (metaphorical nuns habit only slightly loosened), we arranged to meet and then he didn’t show up! I was slightly disorientated and to be honest my equilibrium was totally upset for a few days. I didn’t like it. Then a while later, my trusty advisor, completely unaware of this situation having happened, mentioned to me that I would need to expose myself to rejection, spot bloody on, where did that accuracy come from my friend?!!! Of course I have to get used to rejection (although come on, some manners would be nice, if you can’t make something or don’t want to make something, be honest)! But I also want to keep my equilibrium, its precious to me and keeps me in good health and good spirits. My steadiness actually is the most important thing that I have, and I have a tight grasp on that as a parent who holds the hand of a cherished child. So, only people, things and opportunities that add to my equilibrium and steadiness are welcomed into my life and anything that unbalances and upsets my equilibrium is let go, and quickly.

To all the beautiful souls who are wondering along my path with me and know that you  are contributing to the richness and steadiness of my lifes rich tapestry and I honour and thank you deeply for that x

Namaste friends xx