Unicorns, Gratitude and Love

30 12 2016

I have without doubt had an epic year.

Along the way I have cultivated a foundation of deep inner joy and I am grateful each and every day for the gift of precious life that I have. “Life is short and it must be lived” is my motto, and long may that reign

Its mad to think its only been 11 months since I tentatively dipped my toe into the hitherto unknown world of Tantric Dance, Festivals, Conscious Raves, Drum Circles and general merriment with a great bunch of total strangers who turned out to be as lovely and crazy as me and have furnished me with friendships, feathers, unicorns and acceptance above and beyond my wildest dreams.

Some have left beautiful footprints in my heart creating wonderful soul memories. Some helped open old wounds so they could be healed. Some encouraged and held me as I journeyed into freedom, truth and nakedness (metaphorically and physically), letting go of layers of conditioning and conformity bestowed upon me as an infant and by society in general.  Some held me and loved me and reminded me of my femininity and my sexual beauty again beginning the metamorphosis from bone weary selfless carer to wild alive woman.

Along the way two extra special beautiful beings found me. One a dear and cherished girlfriend who shares among other things my passion for life, laughter, dance, a deep gratitude to Mother Earth, and oddly enough an O negative blood group which only 7% of the entire population have!! And the other, my Solstice Angel, the one whose eyes saw into the windows of my soul and mine into his on the Stones at Stonehenge and has loved me tenderly, dearly and affectionately and wholly since the moment we met.

And so life continues to weave more amazing hues into my already colourful and rich tapestry. I am forever in awe of what this wonderful  Universe provides me with and forever indebted for the gifts, lessons, love and learning it furnishes me with, even though the learnings can be somewhat hard at times.  Im reminded of a quote I was told many many years ago at Uni when life was particularly hard…

“ Life has to be lived facing forwards but can only be truly understood looking backwards” !!

Loving again after the loss of Alistair has challenged my head, my heart and my levels of anxiety! Off the scale bat shit crazy panic about loss and being left again was something I hadn’t bargained for one bit!  Battening down the hatches and hardening my soft heart that beats to love would have been an easier option at times Im sure. As ever my beautiful daughter and my lovely sister in law Jelly tot steered me in the right direction and listened with patience and understanding but much needed rationale when the bat shit crazy panic set in, and believe me, set in it did!!!

Walking in Unity and sharing my life again with another has been like opening a bag of pick and mix! A whole jumble of mostly lovely sparkly sweet tasty things with a couple of totally unexpected surprises in there. Like loads of fruit salads and black jacks and flying saucers and sherbet pips and then just as the pick was going so sweetly a horrid Newberry Jellied fruit crops up!

And yet those Newberry Jellied fruits have been so necessary, to challenge me, to keep my mind open and to force me to be true to myself, not to give my power away, not to loose the strength and individuality that has uncovered itself in me over the last couple of years. Not to repeat age old patterns in intimate relationships.

Thank you my Solstice Angel for bringing your light to my light. Thank you for opening your heart to mine and for bringing healing to my scarred and battered heart. I love you

I have achieved so much on a personal level this year and as this year draws to an end and a year of new beginnings looms I honour the changes I have made, the gifts I have been given and the love that has shone around me. In 2017 I will continue to make

every day count and to to count the blessings in every day.

I hope too that the changes I have made on a personal level will in some way or another begin to contribute to changes in the wider world, in our environment, in our planet, in the way we see the world and relate to each other. IN the love love that we bring and the tolerance that we show.

“For things to change first must I”

Namaste my friends, may 2017 bring an abundance of opportunities, love and healing your way and may you find the inspiration, courage and desire to make the changes you need to make for the highest good of yourself and for the greater good of all.

One love, One life, Live it xxx

“I can fly Peter”

6 07 2015

A small window of grief has opened up in me since my return from Turkey a couple of weeks ago.

Turkey was amazing, a real unwind and some healing time spent with my very beautiful Turkish friends Yeliz and Kenan (check out their amazing shop www.theuniqueart.com). They took care of me wonderfully, opened their hearts and home to me and made a potentially difficult time much easier to manage, they hold a very dear space in my heart and I count having them in my life as a rich blessing. Thank you both xxx.

It took me a couple of days I would guess to figure out how to hold my ‘space’ as ‘me’ rather than me and Alistair. Remember, apart from when I was 17, I’ve never been one to go away with the girls or do things outside of coupledom so it felt quite weird initially.  Im not overly keen on talking to actual humans for the sake of idle chit chat (an old misery guts like my lovely old mum- the apple didnt fall far from the tree)! So it helps that as my lovely sister in law says ” Im as mad as a box of frogs” and don’t mind talking to myself, flowers, tress and wildlife! In truth, much of the time when it seemed that I was talking to myself in Turkey I was actually talking to Alistair, I know without a doubt he was right beside me.

Also, I hadn’t figured on catching the eye of anyone and when I did it unsettled my equilibrium. Don’t get me wrong, it was very flattering and he wasn’t half bad looking either, but certainly not what I needed or have on my radar. Over the course of our relationship, I taught Alistair how to trust, he taught me faithfulness and we taught each other honour. Thats good enough for me 🙂

And then of course the delightful Candace, Kirt and Charlie Rascal joined me for the last week which was magical. Im very lucky that my grown up children are so happy to hang out with me and since Alistairs passing we have formed an even closer bond. Much laughter,  inappropriate comments about me being a widow and black humour is always guaranteed. They didnt let me down.

Being away though disrupted the routine that I have established for myself since February. Routine helps lots of things I find and routine has certainly helped me ease my way in these early months of wearing widows weeds. I can’t quite put my finger on the exact changes, obviously tiny subtle things that only i would notice. I suppose some of them are good and signs of healing, being more relaxed and less needing things exactly as they were back in February.  Not a routine thing I know, but I find now that I don’t have to stay only on Alistair’s side of the bed on the exact same spot on which he laid!

Im also unsettled as Im selling the house! Nothing to do with Alistair’s passing here at all. Quite simply in my heart I’m a cottage girl, we had the beautiful angel wrapped cottage in Brentwood and this house was what we needed at the time to accommodate Alistairs needs. It doesnt have my heart though and there are the most beautiful tiny weeny cottages around Saffy that certainly are much more me. Brave of me and possibly more emotionally challenging than I had initially realised, but the seed of an idea has germinated and Im totally excited by it. Another thread weaves its way into the mosaic of my life’s rich tapestry. Thank you to all 8 of my house selling and buying  advisors who are steering me through such a big event with love and much needed rational assistance 🙂

Its long now without Alistair, this is my life, without my very best friend, my lover, my business partner, my mentor, my companion. The person who believed in me and would join me wholly in my world of metaphorically believing I could fly. The two of us would stand side by side with our left arms outstretched and our heads resting on our upper arms every time we came up with another plan or another idea or another dream that we wanted to manifest. Our own version of Peter Pan in flight. Both firmly believing that if it was right for us, the Universe would provide it for us if it was for the highest good of all and we had set out intentions accordingly. I still embrace this, I just have to fly on my own now. I also have to remember, if its not meant to be it won’t be and not to wrestle with that on an ego level; work in progress !!!

Of course, I have Candace and Kirt and Hannah, all of whom welcome me into their lives without question and who check in with me regularly. I have my lovely sister and equally lovely sister in law Gillian and Uncle Paul, all there for me with unwavering love and support. But, I don’t have Alistair. I don’t say this next sentence with pity or to try to win the competition of who is grieving more, but simply put, everyone else still has their special someone, I have lost mine. How I miss being cherished.

There is without doubt though a lot of healing going on deep in my soul. So yes,  the window of grief is making its presence felt,  And it will pass.

Namaste x




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