“Lone Wolf..No Club”

20 06 2016

I always loved to be on the back of Alistair’s Harley… totally hated riding my own, but sitting behind Alistair, man there was nothing else like it. There’s a metaphor in there too for me isn’t there?

I suppose I never really wanted to be up the front, in the lead- well unless i was running or in a competition, then of course 1st was the only position to be in. In a relationship I was always happy to follow, always happy to serve – no disrespect  intended to women here so don’t jump up and down on your feminist band waggon sisters, Im not advocating a woman’s place, Im juxtaposing where I was up until Alistair’s death and where I am now. Nothing like my best friend, lover, soul mate and counter beat to my heartbeat completing his Souls contract and going home early ahead of me to set me on a trajectory of immense change!

And its becoming apparent that that trajectory has been steered wholly by synchronistic winks from The Universe with the sole purpose of opening me up to my souls purpose!  Looking back, when Alistair died I guess i had 3 choices:

  1. Shut down and live a very small insular life
  2. Fill the void with someone else and continue the pattern of serving
  3. Find myself in my own right and shine like a fucking crazy diamond

Obviously having a learned and pretty much lifelong predisposition to being a crab apple I had always favoured option one!!! Being totally in love and faithful to Alistair’s memory i believed option 2 was never gonna happen (OK 18 months on theres some movement here but not in terms of needing a life partner) and option 3 was never an option until it just became who I became. Thats how our amazing Universe works!!  Along the way Ive met beautiful souls who’ve taught me more in a short time than I could ever have imagined possible. Thank you 🙂

I choose to smile and I choose to love, honestly and sincerely, even when Im sad or a little bit hurting. And its attracting such amazing affirmation, joy, love and shiny beautiful souls, I’d thoroughly recommend it as a way of being. Nothing can change what life throws at you so you might as well smile anyway I say !! What an amazing tapestry thats being sewn, what beautiful memories woven into my soul.

Of course, I miss with an ache deep in my heart being held tightly and securely in a mans arms, i can weep, instantly, at the memory of Alistair’s arm encircling me. A cuddle bun I most certainly am… I never understand these people that sleep about a million miles away from each other in bed, whats that all about? Get involved in the cuddle puddle guys, wrap your arms and legs around each other as if your life depends on it, breathe in the scent from each others skin and lose yourself in the one unifying breath because one day it won’t be there, make the most of it or don’t be in it, the void is a disconnection of energy, love and passion, no good for the soul!!

For me, for now, for my soul to shine, for me to inspire and for me to grow and learn I need to be a lone wolf 🙂 The Awakening of my spirit has opened my creativity, my passion and my true light and I want to be free to keep that flame burning. To be as free as a bird.

I was catching up with a friend in my beautiful spiritual garden the other day and he said ” just look at this little space, its totally amazing Rebekah what you’ve created here, its actually you in a garden, full of love and beauty and joy” …how lovely, what a beautiful affirmation.

Many people don’t know this new me, I don’t always know me, because after I fell apart, I put my pieces back totally differently! And Im keeping the change for as long as it serves me 🙂

I met a lovely guy on one of my recent outings and he said “we only know this totally wild, crazy, full of energy bright shiny woman who really lives on a totally different planet”!

Planet Zillah awaits… who wants to join 🙂



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