Growing into myself

16 11 2015

Much like many of life’s great milestones, when they come along, there are no instructions attached to show you how to manage it. And so it was when my twosome with Alistair became a Onesome with myself.

Hard to believe I am heading towards my first year, that all important ‘calendar year’ that I have been banging on about to grieving clients for most of my practising life! A year of firsts to get through, the first birthday, christmas, wedding anniversary, new year, holiday, change in season and all the other things that may come along that need to be manoeuvred through, alone, rather than together.

And there’s that word that I have come to loathe, ‘alone’, its like forever there will be something missing, Im not alone by choice. Life made that decision for me, life on life’s terms, not mine.

Please, don’t get me wrong, Im flourishing on my own, I’ve nestled into it and I really like it, I’m not lonely, Im content, I love the life that I have and remain in awe of how the Universe has taken care of me and of course I remain steadfast in my eclectic beliefs. But, being Mrs Rhind, the widow of the late Alistair Rhind will always render me the half that has been left behind, the lone surviving partner. And that seems a bit grim really.

So as the months have passed, and here I am, hard to believe, but 3/4 of the way through My calendar year without him I realise I have developed my own sense of ‘Oneness’ (add an ‘L’ and you have ‘Loneness’- take the ‘L’ away and, ta da, you have ‘Oneness). Oneness is good, it feels whole, as of course it is.

Then the other day, unplanned and unexpectedly my Oneness evolved a step further. The beautiful Pippin is having her ancestry traced and called me, brimming over with excitement, to update me with what has been uncovered so far on both sides of her family. It turns out my family had some pretty amazing first names a hundred or so years ago. Zillah for example!

As soon as I heard that name I knew it belonged to me, the me I am now. I can’t explain it and have no need to, the name called me and I responded, immediately!

I changed my name by deed poll there and then, but of course, never one to do things by half, when the online form gave me the option to make any other changes to my name I claimed my maternal grandmothers maiden name too. It was something I had thought of doing when I was divorced from my first husband, however, Alistair was not so happy to water down his family name so to speak with a double barrelled name so I waited and claimed Alistair’s name. And was always happy with Mrs Rhind, until Zillah came along, and shone her light on the me I have grown into over these past 9 months.

And grow I certainly have. Im in India now, my 50th Birthday present to myself, plus I promised Alistair I would come back in his stead if he didn’t make it. We had planned to come out in February of this year, of course that couldn’t happen. Looking back over the past several months I can see how my confidence has grown, in comparison to how I felt in Turkey earlier on in the year, the first of the firsts you see! Turkey was good, but Im 100 times stronger, much more sure of my own space now and I feel quite at ease wondering about here on my own.

Time of course has helped me to heal and grow, creating new experiences for myself to learn and develop from has helped me to grow and putting my brave pants on and getting on with life has helped me to grow. And as my beautiful sister said to me, Zillah sounds like the owner of some seriously brave pants!!

So back to the name change…the day I honoured my Oneness and became a whole person again; Rebekah Zillah O’Neal Rhind. Feels good.

Namaste x

 

 

 

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