Re-threading my needle

14 04 2015

So I find myself for the first time, probably ever, living completely on my own, thats quite a big change for a woman of nearly 50! Alistair and I did literally everything together and thoroughly enjoyed doing so, we didnt see the point in going out separately leaving the other half of us at home alone, we were company enough and more for each other and never tired of being together. Not even for a minute. That leaves quite a hole now he’s passed!

Its also quite a shift from the ‘busyness’ of life leading up to Alistairs passing. Since last August our home had played host to weekly visits from family, friends calling in to say hello, GP’s, palliative care nurses from the hospice, community nurses, physiotherapists and occupational therapists (the latter generally to insist on our lovely rugs being removed due to them being a trip hazard- funny that we had managed perfectly well for ever without tripping although they were good for the odd commode or raised lavvy seat too)! And then in the last few weeks (hindsight is a wonderful thing, I can actually put a timeline in place leading up to Alistair’s final weeks on Earth), daily visits sometimes twice daily, from the district nurses and twice weekly visits from our lovely GP. Don’t get me wrong, the care and attention was marvellous, for a system that is stretched to capacity with diminishing funds to support it, if  you are terminally ill and wish to die with dignity at home the resources are in place, or they are at least in Saffy. No Im not complaining one bit, I am merely helping you understand the changing pattern of life for me, literally overnight.

So how am I doing at acclimatising to this change? Nicely thank you. I have no need to justify, it goes without saying that I would rather have Alistair here with me but to state the obvious, I don’t. There is no use me wringing my hands and wishing he was or that he hadn’t got ill, he isn’t and he did. Im still here, very much alive and young enough to look at many years ahead of me. If I look at that as a lonely bleak canvass without Alistair its going to be a long 30 something years, thats not going to work for me or my family.

I am learning to weave a new pattern into my life’s rich tapestry. My clients will be pleased to hear that I am making myself vulnerable ( I was taught many many years ago never to ask someone to do something that you are not prepared to do yourself) and making new friends, joining new things and generally creating a non hermits life for myself, which believe me would be oh so easy to do!

To this end, I have my very first Making Mosaics class tonight at a local artists studio, paid my subs upfront so no excuse not to go. Im going to have a bash at a Peace sign to hang in our spiritual garden that I have been thoroughly enjoying making for Alistair. We had of course hoped he would see the summer out this year so I was already on a mission to make it as beautiful as I could for him in as short a time as possible so he could enjoy it. Now I have it to enjoy.

Early morning in the garden is sacrosanct for me, listening to the water fountain trickling, the wind chimes gently tinkling and the Nag Champa incense burning plentifully whilst I meditate and connect with Alistair on a spiritual level. Heaven.

I have become a friendly soul in Saffron Walden, it is after all a friendly place to live. I stop and natter to the stall holders on market day, I have cheered up older widows (both in terms of age and time widowed) who are struggling to cope and I have been curiously drawn to a vintage shop owned by someone almost as potty as me. A short trip to town for a couple of messages can end up with me being away for far longer than intended and generally some synchronistic meeting having taken place.

I have even scoped out the local cinema and was all set to be heading there this friday, my first trip to the pictures on my own, alas I left it too late and the seats were all sold out, but, the thought and intention to go were definitely there.

I have set quite clear boundaries for myself so I don’t get sucked into ‘daytime television not doing anything mode’. To be honest Im not an avid TV watcher anyway, but I can see how easy it could be to just press the red button and potentially lose myself in nonsense for hours on end. Not healthy for my soul and I think for me quite likely to leave me feeling not so good.

And of course there is Archie, the Angel Wolf dog. My trusted and loyal companion who needs daily exercise, weekly training and anything else thats on offer. And there is Charlie rascal, that little lad soothes away the achiest of moments.

I feel quite content with work life balance and have made sure not to fill my days up to ‘keep myself busy’. I need some time just to ‘be’ after the physical strain of the last six months.

A new shape to life is emerging and its truly OK, Im at peace with myself and with Alistair passing. I know that there are plenty of good and truly lovely people, family and friends, who are there for me no matter what, thank you, knowing you are there makes such a difference. This is my journey now and I intend to travel it as richly and meaningfully as I can, with my heart and mind open, steadfast in all that I do and shining brightly with love and light so Alistair will always see me. Namaste Alistair ” The Spirit in Me Salutes the Spirit in You ” x











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