Unicorns, Gratitude and Love

30 12 2016

I have without doubt had an epic year.

Along the way I have cultivated a foundation of deep inner joy and I am grateful each and every day for the gift of precious life that I have. “Life is short and it must be lived” is my motto, and long may that reign

Its mad to think its only been 11 months since I tentatively dipped my toe into the hitherto unknown world of Tantric Dance, Festivals, Conscious Raves, Drum Circles and general merriment with a great bunch of total strangers who turned out to be as lovely and crazy as me and have furnished me with friendships, feathers, unicorns and acceptance above and beyond my wildest dreams.

Some have left beautiful footprints in my heart creating wonderful soul memories. Some helped open old wounds so they could be healed. Some encouraged and held me as I journeyed into freedom, truth and nakedness (metaphorically and physically), letting go of layers of conditioning and conformity bestowed upon me as an infant and by society in general.  Some held me and loved me and reminded me of my femininity and my sexual beauty again beginning the metamorphosis from bone weary selfless carer to wild alive woman.

Along the way two extra special beautiful beings found me. One a dear and cherished girlfriend who shares among other things my passion for life, laughter, dance, a deep gratitude to Mother Earth, and oddly enough an O negative blood group which only 7% of the entire population have!! And the other, my Solstice Angel, the one whose eyes saw into the windows of my soul and mine into his on the Stones at Stonehenge and has loved me tenderly, dearly and affectionately and wholly since the moment we met.

And so life continues to weave more amazing hues into my already colourful and rich tapestry. I am forever in awe of what this wonderful  Universe provides me with and forever indebted for the gifts, lessons, love and learning it furnishes me with, even though the learnings can be somewhat hard at times.  Im reminded of a quote I was told many many years ago at Uni when life was particularly hard…

“ Life has to be lived facing forwards but can only be truly understood looking backwards” !!

Loving again after the loss of Alistair has challenged my head, my heart and my levels of anxiety! Off the scale bat shit crazy panic about loss and being left again was something I hadn’t bargained for one bit!  Battening down the hatches and hardening my soft heart that beats to love would have been an easier option at times Im sure. As ever my beautiful daughter and my lovely sister in law Jelly tot steered me in the right direction and listened with patience and understanding but much needed rationale when the bat shit crazy panic set in, and believe me, set in it did!!!

Walking in Unity and sharing my life again with another has been like opening a bag of pick and mix! A whole jumble of mostly lovely sparkly sweet tasty things with a couple of totally unexpected surprises in there. Like loads of fruit salads and black jacks and flying saucers and sherbet pips and then just as the pick was going so sweetly a horrid Newberry Jellied fruit crops up!

And yet those Newberry Jellied fruits have been so necessary, to challenge me, to keep my mind open and to force me to be true to myself, not to give my power away, not to loose the strength and individuality that has uncovered itself in me over the last couple of years. Not to repeat age old patterns in intimate relationships.

Thank you my Solstice Angel for bringing your light to my light. Thank you for opening your heart to mine and for bringing healing to my scarred and battered heart. I love you

I have achieved so much on a personal level this year and as this year draws to an end and a year of new beginnings looms I honour the changes I have made, the gifts I have been given and the love that has shone around me. In 2017 I will continue to make

every day count and to to count the blessings in every day.

I hope too that the changes I have made on a personal level will in some way or another begin to contribute to changes in the wider world, in our environment, in our planet, in the way we see the world and relate to each other. IN the love love that we bring and the tolerance that we show.

“For things to change first must I”

Namaste my friends, may 2017 bring an abundance of opportunities, love and healing your way and may you find the inspiration, courage and desire to make the changes you need to make for the highest good of yourself and for the greater good of all.

One love, One life, Live it xxx

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Full Circle Finale

7 10 2015

When I started this honest and candid blog, that was never meant to be more than a peak into mine and Alistair’s life as we bent and adapted to life with the curve ball three and a half years ago, little did I know that I would eventually be writing about life on my own without my ‘Big Bear’  by my side to keep me company, protect me and love me forever.

But it occurs to me now that I have actually come full circle.

Last week I moved into my new cottage, now called ‘Mynzies’ in memory of Alistair, wrapping his huge loving arms around me and saying possessively and lovingly “you’re mynzies nobody else’s all mynzies”. I loved being his, if I was his for all of eternity it wouldn’t have been too long. Please, no platitudes in the comment box, I know he is still around me, I know I was lucky to have known such tender and great love, I know all these things. I am merely making a statement of fact.

As the packing and boxing commenced it is true to say I packed up 107 in more ways than one. Of course I packed and wrapped all of the precious items I wanted to have with me here, I recycled, dumped (always feel bad about land fill- no excuses- I used the easy option) and charity shopped all the things that no longer had a purpose. Remember the Shamans words from a much earlier blog post? If you don’t know why you have something in your life either let it go or reconnect with it!  Bits and bobs of Alistair’s found homes with his old biking friends Tony and Gogs (thank you two too for keeping in such close contact with me- I count myself very lucky to have you both in my life 🙂 and honour your friendship) and I released the hold that some of Alistair’s old jackets and clothes had over me. I even released the battered old sandals! I continued the theme of release by letting go of old photographic ‘memoirs’ of people that no longer feature in my life, something quite beautifully naughty about doing that! And finally with Autumn once again upon us, I had to clear out of my sight the purple boots and jacket that I wore last year that seemed to unravel a private film show in my mind every time I looked at them, a film of me, drudging through town, queueing endlessly in Boots, day after day it seemed, to pick up prescriptions for Morphine, dressings, pee bags, laxatives and any other form of pain relief that was needed to try to stem the pain that wracked Alistairs body and bring him a modicum of relief. A picture of me tired to the bone, battle weary but still mustering up a smile and ready for action the next day. I feel truly saddened for that me, that part of me,  I intend to care for her and treat her with the respect and love that she totally deserves.

And then of course there was the emotional letting go. Letting go of the horror, the trauma, the emotional assault course that I faced daily that is the true picture of nursing not just someone at home until their death but the person I loved more than anything in the whole wide world, the person that was the out breath to my in. Of course we love/d our children, adore/d them, but the love between man and woman is a totally different love to the love we have for our children. So I let go and left behind me all of the pain- the memories, the conflicts that came along and the sickness that is cancer… you can see this move has turned out to be very cathartic.

And then the reminders, many people count down in sleeps to some exciting event, I counted down in ‘disabled showers left until I move’ and if I never see one or have to use one again, it will still be too soon! The stair lift,the riser recliner chair, the disabled aids and gadgets, all gone from me now and no place for them in ‘Mynzies’.

So here I am in  a beautiful cottage not dissimilar to the one we had to sell as a result of the curve ball, the one that Candace and Kirt and I hold dearly in our memories of the time our family was together. This one is smaller and cuter! Its perfect for me, it beckons newness, it heralds a new dawning of me, as I begin to darn the next mosaic of my souls tapestry. Im ready to move forward, to dust off the grey matter and continue my studies. To travel, to write, to welcome myself into the third stage of womanhood. Im going to be 50 in three weeks time, Im off to India to celebrate, to soothe my spirit and to let the last vestiges of the onslaught of 2014/2015 leave my aura for good.

When I wrote my opening blog over three years ago about having to leave our beloved Angel wrapped cottage little did I know that a little over three years later I would be embracing the challenge of widowhood and living in another angel wrapped cottage, only the wings of this angel belong to my darling Alistair.

Namaste friends Namaste x

 





Tantric in the title should have been warning enough Rebekah!

2 08 2015

So here I am on my lovely decking in our spiritual garden, surrounded by tub after tub of amazing flowers and trees, pots of ferns and pinks and clematis and roses. All manner of ornaments, jewellery and chimes hanging and twinkling from various places and a wooden bowl steadily filling up with the treasures that I gather on my daily walks that get hand painted or decorated when the whim takes me. The suns gone down, the dusk is setting and to top it all off Ive found a Scottish folk festival on the radio to listen to! Wonderful. The speaking is in Gaelic so i have no idea what they are saying but who cares its really soothing.

I had many choices today to entertain myself, an offer of company and tea at new friends house, a place booked at Moon Henge in Cambridge for a pagan blessing ceremony and the idea of going to the local pictures to see ‘Spy’. And yet when it came to it… I stayed here, with Archie. It felt like I needed to be near home, near to Alistair and my feelings maybe. I ached, really really ached for him this afternoon. To be able to climb into my own special space right next to him and sniff him in and feel his love encompass me, yes, ache is the right word.

I think thats where I am now on this journey of widowhood, missing physical touch with him. Skin Hungry is a phrase that I have come across, the need for touch. So this is a new transition for me, a different face of the loss of my man, my best friend, my lover.  So I fired up my friend Google and read on forums and other sites about what other people who are alone might have done to help with this. Those that know me know me to be open minded and not shy at trying things that are a bit “out there” so when tantric massage came up as option I thought, well, OK, let me find out a bit more about it!!!

I’ll tell you why I found.., NAKED man with his wobbly ugly bits bobbling about whilst he oiled and massaged his female subject!!! That, I was not expecting. I got a bit more alarmed the more I ventured onto the Tantric Massage sites. Please enlighten me if I have got this wrong but it seemed to me as if I had stumbled onto message sites that used Tantric Massage as a euphemism for “call me and I will come round to you and give you a sorting out”!!! So, I closed my mind to that particular avenue of touch. Made me smile though and I think it probably made Alistair chuckle too (dirty slut he’s probably thinking).

So, after that I kept it clean, had a pot of tea, cried a bit cos I felt sorry for myself and then got back on with channeling that energy into creating some lovely shabby chic effect on an old table ready for my upcoming house move. I SOLD really quickly and bought an old Victorian cottage, just big enough to swing a cat in (too bad Ive got a dog, a huge great big 7 stone one at that and far too heavy to be swung). Its a really beautiful little house for me and Archie and the best thing about it is that Alistair and I looked at it together online before we bought this one so its like he knows where I will be. I love that thought.

Im hoping to be in by early September and I know that that cottage will herald the dawning of the next part of my souls journey. The widow and the wolf finding their way, unleashing the “Wild Woman’ within and uncovering an ancient aspect of myself that has been asleep for a very very long time (Candace and I are currently reading Women Who Run With the Wolves, I would go so far as to say it should be compulsory reading for all women.. prescriptive I know but its a revelation).

It seems really important to me when I write to be truthful about how I feel,  but because I have had some painful feelings today that doesn’t mean that Im not OK. Im content, deeply content, I have inner peace, I am richly blessed every day, I am loved and, having to live without Alistair has forced me to open up fully to my spiritual life. I like it, a lot 🙂

NAMASTE x

 

 

 








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