Soft is my heart

25 04 2016

Another first, another success,  Camping alone!  I started writing this blog yesterday evening under the starry skies on my trusty tattered old sheepskin rug next to my roaring campfire whilst praying ” Oh please Dear God help my tiny bones remember the sweet warmth of this campfire in the tiniest and coldest hours of the night, Please”!

It had been mighty cold the night before, and I mean mighty. It reminded me of our first winter in Gladys when we were wet behind the ears and ill prepared for the cold winter that year brought, but of course then I’d had the warmth of Big Bear to snuggle up to. Not so these days obviously so I’d had to resort to almost hyperventilating by breathing in and out through my mouth just to warm the air up around my head!!  However, a hot water bottle had been hastily borrowed so warmth should surely be my bed companion on the second night of this wild woman expedition!

Why did I go? Its a valid question friends and one that has been asked to me by many. A lovely wiser and much older woman whom I have had the pleasure of knowing for many many years and who I visited yesterday said to her husband ” Isn’t she brave to camp on her own”, ” No” he replied “She’s bloody stupid”!!

I didn’t know exactly why I needed to camp but I knew back in February that I did. It was after the communal yurt experience, something stirred in me, being so close to the Earth and I needed more of it.  This particular weekend had been in my diary since the beginning of March. I’d had to jiggle it around college weekends (another year to go on that front, be so glad when I’ve completed it), work and a social calendar that believe it or not is pretty damn busy, thats something that this former crab apple would never have dreamt of hearing herself say six months ago. In truth though it didnt’ just happen, I’ve created it. I’ve worked really hard to live each day to the full, to find joy in my life,  to let my heart smile, to make myself vulnerable, to risk rejection and put myself forward for things that I may or may not have liked and the end result of that is that full calendar filled with stuff that by and large I love love love.

But, back to the camping story….

I was supposed to be going to Cumbria, way up in the Northern most Lakes for a spot of wild swimming, a bit of hill walking as much as my knackered out knee joint would manage and some soaking up of the fabulous energy that the Lake District has to offer. But a cold weather front intervened (or so I thought) and so with the help of a couple of girlfriends a new location was sought, Glastonbury or Sussex was what it boiled down to. My girlfriend asked me- “ Why are you going, you’re going to freeze my dear tiny friend”? My reply was honest “To Re-Earth myself Kim and I really wanted rugged and wild”. “ Sussex then if you want wild” she said,  “Glastonbury is too chilled-you’ll float come from there”

So, thats where I ended up, in the heart of the South Downs at an amazing little site, in my own little glade aptly named ‘Boho’ practicing not being cold (failed) and reminding myself how to live simply, to need less, to want less, to give more, to open my heart, to have the courage to feel again and to reconnect with the Chi Energy of our dear Mother Earth. The site managers are adorable, we hit it off straight away, she has a love of all things alternative and likes to hug, whats not to like?

I actually had an amazing weekend, I never cease to be amazed by the synchronistic workings of The Universe, the lining up of the right people at the right time, a change in location, a reason for me being where I was when I was. I was totally meant to be in Sussex this weekend. The pull to Re-Earth was so overwhelming but there was so much more in store for me. Around that amazing campfire I went inwards,befriended my discomfort, wept freely and let go of old beliefs that I have held about myself for far too long. Stubborn ones that have refused to relinquish fully their hold of self doubt over me for the best part of 24 years when I first started my journey of spiritual practice and inner growth. Beliefs that had been overcome in one situation only to pop up unexpectedly when I find myself in a new situation putting me on an unconscious trajectory of procrastination, passiveness or downright fear. I am always always always willing to look inwards, Im always willing to do the emotional work, those that have worked with me know that I believe firmly that you can’t do any kind of emotional bypass,spiritual or otherwise. you have to meet, greet, let go of and heal those damn limiting beliefs that are handed down  from generation to generation until someone (in this case me) says STOP, I want to be free and feel differently about myself and my place in this world. Its a bit like shedding layers isn’t it, getting to who I really am when I let go of who or how I thought I was expected to be.

I woke this morning, snuggled like a dormouse in a tiny ball of warmth under about a million blankets and duvets and wrapped like a silkworm in a sleeping bag and unusually for me a little reticent to get outside into the cold! However, my love for tea the moment I wake up overrode my ‘not manning up to the cold’ moment. As I sat with my tea contemplating the past 48 hours of my wild woman expedition it dawned on me that actually ‘the campfire experience of letting go of limitations’ had been one of the best ‘workshops I have ever actually attended!! And the best I have facilitated, I held a really good space for myself and took great care of myself throughout!!!

And would you believe…I met with the owner of the site, I met with the adorable site managers, they have a perfect almost private little bit of woodland with a beautiful story attached to it, overlooking the South Downs with glade pitches for five or six tents and a huge glade at the bottom for me to run (only for the bravest of souls) a beautiful weekend retreat under canvas…”The Campfire Experience of Letting Go” ,to borrow a quote from the wonderful David Bowie “…an extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been”

What an adventure I’ve had this weekend, what a blessing that I ended up in Sussex and what an exciting opportunity The Universe has presented me with. Synchronicity at it’s best. Im receiving many blessings just now and I receive them with gratitude and love.

Om Shanti and Namaste friends x







I dont want to use the widow label anymore… i don’t want to be boxed in or fit a brand… i just want to be me…rebekah-zillah



One response

26 04 2016
Kim (Who but You? project)

What an invigorating, celebratory, inspiring post! I am reminded of my solo camping experience last June (North American high desert summer), when it began hailing (thick chunks of ice that hurt when they hit your head) as soon as I finished pitching my tent. What perfect timing! I spent many hours inside my tiny tent waiting for the hail to stop. When it did, I bolted out of my shelter to hike the sunny trails (crazy weather happens a lot during high desert summers). After this experience, I ended up camping quite a bit with friends for the rest of the summer — but there is something so dear and special about going it alone. Thank you for sharing, rebekah-zillah! ❤ 🙂

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