Tiny Dancer

20 02 2016

Since my trip to India life has woven a pretty spectacularly rich tapestry for me, or perhaps I should say I have gathered the threads of life and woven myself a pretty colourful and richly blessed tapestry.

Here I am in Marrakech with the adorable Kirt and my gorgeous nephew Flynn, to celebrate our lives and the returning of Alistair’s Soul back home, a full calendar year ago. Kirt and I have named the day “Happy Return to Soul Day”… It sounds much better than our first attempt ” Happy Death Day”!!  which made perfect sense, we celebrate Birth days after all. But no, Happy return to Soul Day is softer on the ears and a  touch gentler on the heart too!

Marrakech is perfectly crazy and I literally have not stopped laughing since the three of us got together Thursday evening. It would seem my adorable travelling companions are used to a slower pace of life than their crazy Mumma- Aunt!! Never thought I would have written that a year ago! Although a year ago I truly believed  I would be an insular nun like creature that talked mainly to her plants and lived some half life not really needing anything or anyone other than the memories held in my heart of my life up to that point with Big Bear (Alistair). As I said in my last post, clearly The Universe has totally different plans for me! And it turns out Im loving those plans!!

But about today, thank you to my friends who messaged and called ahead of time to send love and check how I’m doing, and thank you thank you thank you ‘Chapel Girl’ for the most thoughtful present left on my doorstep in readiness for this weekend. What a beautiful serendipitous crossing of our paths!

Its been funny, and I don’t mean that in a disrespectful way, receiving a couple of truly heartfelt but condolency type wishes this week (“We hope you can find a moments happiness or some peace this sad and difficult week”). I fully understand the intention of kindness behind these wishes but the sadness and grief being conveyed just doesn’t resonate with me, its like Im trying to understand a different language. Truthfully, since Alistair journeyed back home, I have known a deep sense of peace and even during some difficult, deeply feeling and emotional days I knew happiness was still there inside me. But, I guess people can only imagine how they would be feeling and project that onto how I must be feeling in order to try to understand it? And of course, naturally, many people in my situation absolutely do feel like that.

Surely though you’ve all got a good measure of me by now, not one to tread a conventional path, not in grief, not in love, not in spiritual beliefs and not in life! And life now is absolutely calling me… loudly.

As you know, the the Tantric Trance dance woke my soul, and Ive stayed awake, totally switched on since that night in Vauxhall (“one night in Vauxhall one night in Vauxhall”!) and theres a part of me refusing to not dance, anywhere! And thats really strange you know. I haven’t danced freely or inconspicuously  (not sure if thats a real word) since being lost in my own little world of dance moves at a school disco many many years ago, probably also wearing my odd little mix of clothes, and of course a bunch of girls laughed at me. Unknowingly they stole my freedom and my spirit and I have never danced openly since. Until now..Its seems that dancing blind fold connected me to a natural rhythm so deep in my bones that my soul stirred and connected me with something HUGE.

I had an amazing time at the festival and the yurt was FAB, friendships were forged that I know will be long standing and my pledge to myself to wear my metaphorical blindfold and bystand no longer reaped much joy and pleasure. So much so I wonder why I stayed a crab apple for so long!! Its like a new doorway to life and a new way of being has opened up to me. And then, of course, a little Universal synchronicity got involved and I sat and listened to a truly inspirational guy, ‘Chris Paradox’, look him up. He spoke about seeing through eyes of divine happiness and living in a way that honours joy and doesn’t turn that joy down in order to fit in with social norms. Makes sense right. How often do you sing and dance out loud in the privacy of your own home and then shut right up and walk properly down the street in your own little silo? So he keeps his joy turned right up, full volume, on the tube, on the bus and sings, out loud whilst always looking for the beauty rather than the judgmental slight in what he sees. Love it

So, that little part of me that refuses to not dance, thats the joy in my life that I will not turn down. And I have danced, out loud, on the train, on the platform, and its done a few things. Firstly, Ive stayed full of beans and very smiley, and actually really fun to be around. Secondly, people around me have started to smile although there has also  been some staring (hasn’t killed me) and thirdly, there have been some buttoned up city types (sorry for the pigeon hole city workers) that have actually loosened up, visibly. Viewing life in this way has also shown me how many folk walk about totally turned down, rushed, and quite frankly looking thoroughly miserable.

And that got me wondering about peoples lives (Im so nosey).Remember the Shaman I quote fairly often in my blog posts? He said, if you don’t know why you have something in your life, be that a possession, a job, a relationship, an object, go away and either rediscover your passion and its meaning or let it go. I wonder how many folk just get lost in the daily struggle, the bump, the grind, doing what they think and feel is expected of them, but somewhat joylessly and not connected to what  got them into it in the first place? If thats you, its time to rediscover, renew, reconnect or perhaps let something go.

This Shamanic approach has become deeply entwined in my philosophy as I wonder along life’s pathway, with a very different perspective than I have had previously. A while ago, I met up with a guy (metaphorical nuns habit only slightly loosened), we arranged to meet and then he didn’t show up! I was slightly disorientated and to be honest my equilibrium was totally upset for a few days. I didn’t like it. Then a while later, my trusty advisor, completely unaware of this situation having happened, mentioned to me that I would need to expose myself to rejection, spot bloody on, where did that accuracy come from my friend?!!! Of course I have to get used to rejection (although come on, some manners would be nice, if you can’t make something or don’t want to make something, be honest)! But I also want to keep my equilibrium, its precious to me and keeps me in good health and good spirits. My steadiness actually is the most important thing that I have, and I have a tight grasp on that as a parent who holds the hand of a cherished child. So, only people, things and opportunities that add to my equilibrium and steadiness are welcomed into my life and anything that unbalances and upsets my equilibrium is let go, and quickly.

To all the beautiful souls who are wondering along my path with me and know that you  are contributing to the richness and steadiness of my lifes rich tapestry and I honour and thank you deeply for that x


Namaste friends xx



Warning, When I Am An Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple

10 02 2016

Sure sign I have an exam coming up… Liver Detoxification pathways or write my blog, looks like I have a date with liver detox at 5am tomorrow before work!

It seems like the winds of change are blowing! And as weird as it may seem I realise that I  initially struggle somewhat with change. I like the predictable, the safe, the steady, the thing I struggled with when we lived in Gladys was not knowing where and how long we would be somewhere for. As it turned out we didn’t have to move about too much which suited me fine. That felt much safer.

So its funny to find myself writing that I don’t like change when so much has changed in such a relatively short space of time. But not liking change is not the same as not embracing it or adapting to it. One of my most used quotes ever at work must be “Change is Inevitable” my poor clients have to hear me banging on about it ad infinitum, but, true to my training many many years ago, I never expect my clients to do anything that I am not prepared to do.

Brace yourself friends and followers… I’ve been on a bit of a journey of change in the last week  and I can tell you I loved it so much that much more is coming from where that came from!

Where to start and how to explain I don’t really know and whether you get it or not, well thats up to you.

Some time back I booked to go to a festival over Valentines weekend. I thought losing myself in a few hundred people that I didn’t know would be much better than being the odd number in a small group, the elephant in the room so to speak. Being a festival virgin I booked myself a yurt to stay in so if all else failed and I hated it I could resume my fail safe position of not being involved or in other words by standing (grandma crabapple) and hide away in the yurt until it was all over.

Obviously the Universe had vastly different plans for me and is sabotaging any attempts I may make to remain both uninvolved and a crabapple! Turns out the yurt is communal! Lucky I found out in plenty of time, not to cancel remember Im  not a quitter, but to prepare myself. Obviously I didn’t take the news well initially. A call to Pippin verging on the hysterical (she was very good and didn’t laugh until safe to do so) followed by a less hysterical but ‘what the fuck am i going to do’ call to my measured advisor who promptly laughed immediately!! The thought of it was so far out of my comfort zone it messed with my sleep for a couple of nights.

In truth I actually don’t know how the next bit happened but if there was any logic involved it went a bit like this. If Im going to be uncomfortable sharing a yurt with 30 strangers then do something before that weekend thats even more out of your comfort zone and then the yurt will be a piece of piss! Makes sense right?

Somehow or the other I stumbled on (or the Universe found for me) a Conscious (no drugs no alcohol) Shamanic Tantric Trance Dance in London that offered to ‘Wake me up, turn me on and tune me in”. Oh, and just one other thing to add here, you wear a blind fold. Remember I blogged some time ago about finding a Tantric Massage and the video of the mans ugly bits bobbling about had me running a mile from looking any further into it. Not this time, no ugly bits bobbling about in the video but some pretty free spirited wild dancing going on. Just the thing to get me over my fear of sharing a yurt!

So festival virgin becomes tantric virgin! I signed up there and then, drove to the venue on Saturday, donned my blindfold with the other beautiful folk and had the absolute best time of my life. Nothing sordid, no nakedness, but freedom like I have never ever known or experienced ever. The point of the blindfold is that you are making a commitment to yourself to feel and go through any discomfort or fear and come out the other side to a stronger freer place. There’s a rule of no talking at all on the dance floor and no by standing both of which are deemed fear based actions (makes sense, theres lots of talking shit that goes on because people feel uncomfortable or vulnerable and so run off at the mouth and I know that I by stand or don’t get involved to protect my vulnerability).

The music woke my soul, the dancing freed my spirit and the whole evening turned me upside down inside out and backs to front in the most glorious mad and unexplainable way. The people filled my heart with joy and the room spun with pure bliss. I let go of so much in a few hours, conformity, convention, judgement and fear. All for £20!!!

The music is still ringing in my soul, my spirit is soaring free as a bird and any tie I had to conformity is melting away. I have not by-stood since saturday (crab apple gland well and truly disengaged), and I am absolutely champing at the bit to get to the festival.

In my morning meditations I always ask that what I am doing is for the highest good of me and for the highest good of the one in all. Last Saturday I surrendered to something and became part of a something, a community, part of the One in All.

What blessings my courage lead me to on Saturday night. I will never let go now of my blindfold, you will not see me wearing it but it will always be there,unseen, my commitment to myself to feel the fear, journey through it and emerge stronger, freer and changed a little bit more.

In search of more purple…. Namaste friends x


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