Living With Gladys Full Time

Sure sign I have an exam coming up… Liver Detoxification pathways or write my blog, looks like I have a date with liver detox at 5am tomorrow before work!

It seems like the winds of change are blowing! And as weird as it may seem I realise that I  initially struggle somewhat with change. I like the predictable, the safe, the steady, the thing I struggled with when we lived in Gladys was not knowing where and how long we would be somewhere for. As it turned out we didn’t have to move about too much which suited me fine. That felt much safer.

So its funny to find myself writing that I don’t like change when so much has changed in such a relatively short space of time. But not liking change is not the same as not embracing it or adapting to it. One of my most used quotes ever at work must be “Change is Inevitable” my poor clients have to hear me banging on about it ad infinitum, but, true to my training many many years ago, I never expect my clients to do anything that I am not prepared to do.

Brace yourself friends and followers… I’ve been on a bit of a journey of change in the last week  and I can tell you I loved it so much that much more is coming from where that came from!

Where to start and how to explain I don’t really know and whether you get it or not, well thats up to you.

Some time back I booked to go to a festival over Valentines weekend. I thought losing myself in a few hundred people that I didn’t know would be much better than being the odd number in a small group, the elephant in the room so to speak. Being a festival virgin I booked myself a yurt to stay in so if all else failed and I hated it I could resume my fail safe position of not being involved or in other words by standing (grandma crabapple) and hide away in the yurt until it was all over.

Obviously the Universe had vastly different plans for me and is sabotaging any attempts I may make to remain both uninvolved and a crabapple! Turns out the yurt is communal! Lucky I found out in plenty of time, not to cancel remember Im  not a quitter, but to prepare myself. Obviously I didn’t take the news well initially. A call to Pippin verging on the hysterical (she was very good and didn’t laugh until safe to do so) followed by a less hysterical but ‘what the fuck am i going to do’ call to my measured advisor who promptly laughed immediately!! The thought of it was so far out of my comfort zone it messed with my sleep for a couple of nights.

In truth I actually don’t know how the next bit happened but if there was any logic involved it went a bit like this. If Im going to be uncomfortable sharing a yurt with 30 strangers then do something before that weekend thats even more out of your comfort zone and then the yurt will be a piece of piss! Makes sense right?

Somehow or the other I stumbled on (or the Universe found for me) a Conscious (no drugs no alcohol) Shamanic Tantric Trance Dance in London that offered to ‘Wake me up, turn me on and tune me in”. Oh, and just one other thing to add here, you wear a blind fold. Remember I blogged some time ago about finding a Tantric Massage and the video of the mans ugly bits bobbling about had me running a mile from looking any further into it. Not this time, no ugly bits bobbling about in the video but some pretty free spirited wild dancing going on. Just the thing to get me over my fear of sharing a yurt!

So festival virgin becomes tantric virgin! I signed up there and then, drove to the venue on Saturday, donned my blindfold with the other beautiful folk and had the absolute best time of my life. Nothing sordid, no nakedness, but freedom like I have never ever known or experienced ever. The point of the blindfold is that you are making a commitment to yourself to feel and go through any discomfort or fear and come out the other side to a stronger freer place. There’s a rule of no talking at all on the dance floor and no by standing both of which are deemed fear based actions (makes sense, theres lots of talking shit that goes on because people feel uncomfortable or vulnerable and so run off at the mouth and I know that I by stand or don’t get involved to protect my vulnerability).

The music woke my soul, the dancing freed my spirit and the whole evening turned me upside down inside out and backs to front in the most glorious mad and unexplainable way. The people filled my heart with joy and the room spun with pure bliss. I let go of so much in a few hours, conformity, convention, judgement and fear. All for £20!!!

The music is still ringing in my soul, my spirit is soaring free as a bird and any tie I had to conformity is melting away. I have not by-stood since saturday (crab apple gland well and truly disengaged), and I am absolutely champing at the bit to get to the festival.

In my morning meditations I always ask that what I am doing is for the highest good of me and for the highest good of the one in all. Last Saturday I surrendered to something and became part of a something, a community, part of the One in All.

What blessings my courage lead me to on Saturday night. I will never let go now of my blindfold, you will not see me wearing it but it will always be there,unseen, my commitment to myself to feel the fear, journey through it and emerge stronger, freer and changed a little bit more.

In search of more purple…. Namaste friends x

I think even in the good old days, long before life got hard, January could always seem a bit of a long bleak month. Today though has, quite honestly seemed longer and bleaker than ever and where the hell that snuck up from nobody knows! Christmas Eve deja Vu!

I have had the blessing though of lots of WhatsApp activity from my friend who coincidentally turned out to be studying at the same college as me in London, and she had been stuck in a death by powerpoint lecture all day!  LG you are an angel and your WhatsApp really helped me through.

My intentions for the day started so well, as ever, outside in the spiritually peaceful place that is ‘Mynzies’ back garden. Always such a beautiful start to the day but it sort of went very quickly downhill after that. Damn Van Morrison, he started his heart tuggingly sorrowful singing of “Reminds me of you”… a song laden with meaning for when Alistair and I first met. Ive listened to this countless times over the past year but today for some reason it set off a stream of pain inside me that has yet to be quenched all these hours later.

Im pretty good usually at satiating the emotional beast within when she wakes! Not today. I broke with protocol and blubbed when a friend phoned.. hanging up did cross my mind but then Im learning to make myself  a little more vulnerable in some circumstances and this seemed to be one of them. It helped, a lot. Note to all people talking to people in my situation..don’t offer platitudes, don’t try and fix and don’t ever say “oh don’t cry”! Thank you for holding me in that painful space so kindly my friend, you did good.

My plans to get my head stuck into my books to satisfy my study schedule went out of the window and I took myself off to Burwash Manor in Cambridge. Two things help I feel in such dire emotional situations; spending money and eating cake!!!! Still healthier than my old go to vices; 20 Sobranie Cocktails and several double Jack Daniels!

Candace caught up with me on the phone whilst at said venue, oh god, the protocol went even further out of the window..tears in the shop! What the fuck!!!! Well swerved though Pippin and well held too. Thank you. I can only remember not being able to hold it together to this extent once before, 5 days before Alistair died. We had had the most awful row, so unusual for us but you can imagine the tension was way up there and it wasn’t helped by the morphine either. I was done in, frazzled, completely finished, didn’t want to go home but didn’t want to not be there either and I was trying to order a Chinese takeaway in the local restaurant. God only knows what they must have thought, I was a complete wreck in there!

And I think that the awful horror of what I went through for the last 10 months of Alistair’s life has somewhat cushioned me over the past year. It was so truly horrific, so stressful, so knackering, so emotional, so desperately hard that when he died it was such a relief. As much as I missed him, there was no more struggle, for either of us.

In time though, the pain of those memories has dimmed, as it surely must. We are not geared up to remember pain, it doesn’t do us any good and as that pain has moved into the background the enormity of living without Alistair has surfaced today. What a bloody swizz!

I don’t plan to be snivelling my way through this year but over the past few days I have been missing things that previously I hadn’t considered. The little things that came with being in a relationship, Alistair meeting me at the station after a long weekend at college, having him open the door when I got home from work, smelling the incense that he’d lit in anticipation of my arrival home. And then of course, as I have mentioned in previous posts, the physical side of our relationship. I miss him, I miss his arms around me, I miss our intimacy. And I miss that he was the one person I only ever really trusted with my raw emotion.

And then of course I have a “doing it list”. And I will do the things on my doing it list, every damn one of them, I will do things that I would perhaps rather not be doing because I have to, I have to create a meaningful life for myself, over and above the beautiful meaning that Candace and Kirt and my close family and friends bring. BUT, today, the thought of doing those things makes me feels so lonely, Im only doing them because Alistair died. I say today because most likely tomorrow will bring a totally different vibe, I hope that my joyful spirit will be reinstated and i will be once again be looking forward to the weird wild and wonderful things I have planned for myself.

So a tough day, don’t panic, Im not, nobody ever died of a bunch of feelings, its what we do to keep away from them that causes the damage and Im always willing to feel them, Im also a tough old bird.

And now the feelings are quenched, peace is descending, my blog, my children and my friends have worked their magic

Namaste x

So here I am writing my blog from a little tea room in beautiful Aldeburgh on the last day of the long Christmas holiday weekend

Emotions sort of snuck up on me, canny things that they are, on Christmas Eve, uninvited and out of the blue whilst I was out in a cafe in Saffy. Damn bloody feelings! No warning, just a miniature tsunami that welled up from somewhere in the depths of me just as my lip curlingly black coffee arrived at the table. I hate being caught unawares like that. And caught I was! I had literally popped out with only my money in my pocket, no sun glasses to hide behind, no tissues to fain a cold, no note book or book to lose myself in. Nothing whatsoever to deflect the hot sting of the sad fat tears as they spilled out accompanied by that sharp intake of breath, a sort of emotional prodromal warning that snot and tears are steaming forward. I summoned every ounce of self restraint and strength that I had and called forth an authoritative yet kindly inner voice that whispered “ Not here poppet, not now”. They taught me years ago when I was training as a therapist how to avert my tears as they didn’t agree with showing emotion in front of a client. I do show emotion in front of my clients and in the main they seem to appreciate it! However, in this instance, the tactics worked!

Weird I know, being as I write about such intimate details of my life for all and sundry to read, perfect strangers know more about me than people that should perhaps know more, but that said, I am actually fiercely private about who gets to see me emotionally raw. Its a small audience that consists of… ME!!!!

Tsunami averted, the strongest coffee on the planet swiftly swallowed and I was out of there and back to the refuge and privacy of ‘Mynzies’ where no more holding it together was called for and the wailing beast could be unleashed. Definitely a Waaambulance job!!

It did its job though, Christmas Day and Boxing Day were given the green light without Moaning Myrtle making an appearance. Lucky for all those that had my company. As ever, Candace and Kirt came up trumps and kept an understated but heartfelt ‘widow watch’ out for me. Gave me space but included me in all that I wanted.

To be honest, come the day after Boxing day, I was ready for time without anyone. I wasn’t sure what I needed or wanted, it turned out it was today, a trip to the seaside, to the beautiful Aldeburgh. Its always beckoned me and reminds me of spending time with my Mum in years gone by. The two of us used to escape for a couple of nights now and then, mooch about, have several too many drinks and laugh about all sorts of nonsense.

Today,the bracing wind blew the shadows away and the sea air worked her magic on my spirit, although sadly not on my poor old lady knee, 50 metres walking on the pebble beach rendered me all but crippled. A shocking state of affairs being as I had been hoping to join a Lindy Hop dance class in the New year and possibly attempt a 5k mud run in the spring! Obviously those plans will have to wait until I have a brand spanking new knee some time in the future. Then watch me mud run and Lindy Hop!!

So the route march was cancelled and instead I wrote this in the warmth and comfort of the Cragg Sisters Tea Rooms over a bowl of butter bean, lemon and thyme soup, see how wild I am these days!

Another thing that Aldeburgh had up its sleeve for me aside from the aforementioned tea room, was the gift of a Christmas Tree on the beach specifically and generously donated for the remembrance of those who have left ahead of us! Perfect, they even had pens on a ‘Pebble Homage’ table to use and leave at the tree. I just love synchronicity!

So thats me, refreshed, joy reinstated, moaning myrtle satiated and as ready as I will ever be for the new year. A year of newness I hope, new experiences, new adventures, new additions to my ‘ doing it’ list and as ever plenty of laughter.

It seems looking back over the run up to Christmas 2015, I have, with the help of my precious family and a couple of special friends, laughed and laughed, I have also sung so heartily that my little throat strands have needed coaxing to still natter the nonsense that I natter to myself or the poor soul Im probably boring to death with my nattering. I have set the bar high for next year!

So thank you thank you thank you to my stalwart family, especially Candace and Kirt who have held me so preciously in their hearts, always ready to catch me if I stumble but knowing me so well and watching me wonder. My beautiful sister Kate,  and Gillian and Uncie Paul. Thank you to my dear friend (don’t panic, I won’t name you) who has called me without fail every week since early Spring to see how I am and can equally talk shit forever and thank you to my friend who is possibly the busiest person on the planet yet finds time for me even when there is no time to be found.

I am almost, almost, through the calendar year and to be honest I will be really glad when I am. During this year I have built the foundations of a life for myself and now I am excited to live the rest of the journey still with a heart full of love and a spirit full of joy

Namaste friends and a Happy New year 🙂

Much like many of life’s great milestones, when they come along, there are no instructions attached to show you how to manage it. And so it was when my twosome with Alistair became a Onesome with myself.

Hard to believe I am heading towards my first year, that all important ‘calendar year’ that I have been banging on about to grieving clients for most of my practising life! A year of firsts to get through, the first birthday, christmas, wedding anniversary, new year, holiday, change in season and all the other things that may come along that need to be manoeuvred through, alone, rather than together.

And there’s that word that I have come to loathe, ‘alone’, its like forever there will be something missing, Im not alone by choice. Life made that decision for me, life on life’s terms, not mine.

Please, don’t get me wrong, Im flourishing on my own, I’ve nestled into it and I really like it, I’m not lonely, Im content, I love the life that I have and remain in awe of how the Universe has taken care of me and of course I remain steadfast in my eclectic beliefs. But, being Mrs Rhind, the widow of the late Alistair Rhind will always render me the half that has been left behind, the lone surviving partner. And that seems a bit grim really.

So as the months have passed, and here I am, hard to believe, but 3/4 of the way through My calendar year without him I realise I have developed my own sense of ‘Oneness’ (add an ‘L’ and you have ‘Loneness’- take the ‘L’ away and, ta da, you have ‘Oneness). Oneness is good, it feels whole, as of course it is.

Then the other day, unplanned and unexpectedly my Oneness evolved a step further. The beautiful Pippin is having her ancestry traced and called me, brimming over with excitement, to update me with what has been uncovered so far on both sides of her family. It turns out my family had some pretty amazing first names a hundred or so years ago. Zillah for example!

As soon as I heard that name I knew it belonged to me, the me I am now. I can’t explain it and have no need to, the name called me and I responded, immediately!

I changed my name by deed poll there and then, but of course, never one to do things by half, when the online form gave me the option to make any other changes to my name I claimed my maternal grandmothers maiden name too. It was something I had thought of doing when I was divorced from my first husband, however, Alistair was not so happy to water down his family name so to speak with a double barrelled name so I waited and claimed Alistair’s name. And was always happy with Mrs Rhind, until Zillah came along, and shone her light on the me I have grown into over these past 9 months.

And grow I certainly have. Im in India now, my 50th Birthday present to myself, plus I promised Alistair I would come back in his stead if he didn’t make it. We had planned to come out in February of this year, of course that couldn’t happen. Looking back over the past several months I can see how my confidence has grown, in comparison to how I felt in Turkey earlier on in the year, the first of the firsts you see! Turkey was good, but Im 100 times stronger, much more sure of my own space now and I feel quite at ease wondering about here on my own.

Time of course has helped me to heal and grow, creating new experiences for myself to learn and develop from has helped me to grow and putting my brave pants on and getting on with life has helped me to grow. And as my beautiful sister said to me, Zillah sounds like the owner of some seriously brave pants!!

So back to the name change…the day I honoured my Oneness and became a whole person again; Rebekah Zillah O’Neal Rhind. Feels good.

Namaste x

Today I am 50 🙂

As this year has unfolded and I wander though the ‘wilderness of widowhood’, a territory that like many life transitions remains completely unnavigated until you find yourself in it, this day, Monday 26th October, my 50th birthday, has been poking its head up on the horizon for quite some time. Not because I love to party, go out, get shit faced or herald such landmarks with noise and bluster that includes all and sundry. NO NO NO…much like my own mum, Im a bit of a crab apple when it comes to such things (thank you Candace for my new nickname Grandma Crab Apple, I rather like it). No, its been popping into my mind because I wondered how it would be, without my man.

Im sure in a previous blog post I have rambled on about ‘A calendar year’, a year of firsts in the world of grief. And this seemed like it might be quite a big one.

In truth though, its not, its no more or no less than any other day. My mind could totally have made it more, without doubt, my mind like anyone else’s has the capability to awfulise, create pessimistic scenarios, draw a tapestry of doom and gloom and engage in an inner dialogue that fuels itself on ‘its not fairs’ and ‘I can’t stand its’. Whats also true, and this is no disrespect to my darling man, is that Alistair was not that good at remembering my birthday!!! Its true, he made me feel special every day and was always appreciative of me and all of the things I have written about over the years. But, his forte was not birthday celebrations!

What has helped massively whilst wondering through the wilderness though is to plan ahead! Not my greatest forte, Im not blessed with the greatest organisational skills but I am open to learn! So I have planned several lovely events with equally lovely people, and some equally lovely people have made amazing plans for me to celebrate over the next couple of weeks. Thank you. This planning has extended to Alistair’s birthday and the first anniversary of his passing from this world to the next. Didn’t  Abraham Lincoln say as much?- ‘In failing to plan you are planning to fail’ thanks Abe, really helpful as the last thing I want to be is a failure… in anything!!!

As ever, I count my blessings for all that I have and I honour all that I have had and all that is yet to come. Im looking forward to the unfolding of this next year and all that it brings. My heart is smiling loudly today 🙂

Today seems a good time to thank everyone, my family and friends old and new who have shown me unwavering support, love and kindness since February. My life is richer for the love you have all brought and of course I acknowledge and offer my gratitude too to the unconditional love and light of The Universe.

Namaste x

So I find myself for the first time, probably ever, living completely on my own, thats quite a big change for a woman of nearly 50! Alistair and I did literally everything together and thoroughly enjoyed doing so, we didnt see the point in going out separately leaving the other half of us at home alone, we were company enough and more for each other and never tired of being together. Not even for a minute. That leaves quite a hole now he’s passed!

Its also quite a shift from the ‘busyness’ of life leading up to Alistairs passing. Since last August our home had played host to weekly visits from family, friends calling in to say hello, GP’s, palliative care nurses from the hospice, community nurses, physiotherapists and occupational therapists (the latter generally to insist on our lovely rugs being removed due to them being a trip hazard- funny that we had managed perfectly well for ever without tripping although they were good for the odd commode or raised lavvy seat too)! And then in the last few weeks (hindsight is a wonderful thing, I can actually put a timeline in place leading up to Alistair’s final weeks on Earth), daily visits sometimes twice daily, from the district nurses and twice weekly visits from our lovely GP. Don’t get me wrong, the care and attention was marvellous, for a system that is stretched to capacity with diminishing funds to support it, if  you are terminally ill and wish to die with dignity at home the resources are in place, or they are at least in Saffy. No Im not complaining one bit, I am merely helping you understand the changing pattern of life for me, literally overnight.

So how am I doing at acclimatising to this change? Nicely thank you. I have no need to justify, it goes without saying that I would rather have Alistair here with me but to state the obvious, I don’t. There is no use me wringing my hands and wishing he was or that he hadn’t got ill, he isn’t and he did. Im still here, very much alive and young enough to look at many years ahead of me. If I look at that as a lonely bleak canvass without Alistair its going to be a long 30 something years, thats not going to work for me or my family.

I am learning to weave a new pattern into my life’s rich tapestry. My clients will be pleased to hear that I am making myself vulnerable ( I was taught many many years ago never to ask someone to do something that you are not prepared to do yourself) and making new friends, joining new things and generally creating a non hermits life for myself, which believe me would be oh so easy to do!

To this end, I have my very first Making Mosaics class tonight at a local artists studio, paid my subs upfront so no excuse not to go. Im going to have a bash at a Peace sign to hang in our spiritual garden that I have been thoroughly enjoying making for Alistair. We had of course hoped he would see the summer out this year so I was already on a mission to make it as beautiful as I could for him in as short a time as possible so he could enjoy it. Now I have it to enjoy.

Early morning in the garden is sacrosanct for me, listening to the water fountain trickling, the wind chimes gently tinkling and the Nag Champa incense burning plentifully whilst I meditate and connect with Alistair on a spiritual level. Heaven.

I have become a friendly soul in Saffron Walden, it is after all a friendly place to live. I stop and natter to the stall holders on market day, I have cheered up older widows (both in terms of age and time widowed) who are struggling to cope and I have been curiously drawn to a vintage shop owned by someone almost as potty as me. A short trip to town for a couple of messages can end up with me being away for far longer than intended and generally some synchronistic meeting having taken place.

I have even scoped out the local cinema and was all set to be heading there this friday, my first trip to the pictures on my own, alas I left it too late and the seats were all sold out, but, the thought and intention to go were definitely there.

I have set quite clear boundaries for myself so I don’t get sucked into ‘daytime television not doing anything mode’. To be honest Im not an avid TV watcher anyway, but I can see how easy it could be to just press the red button and potentially lose myself in nonsense for hours on end. Not healthy for my soul and I think for me quite likely to leave me feeling not so good.

And of course there is Archie, the Angel Wolf dog. My trusted and loyal companion who needs daily exercise, weekly training and anything else thats on offer. And there is Charlie rascal, that little lad soothes away the achiest of moments.

I feel quite content with work life balance and have made sure not to fill my days up to ‘keep myself busy’. I need some time just to ‘be’ after the physical strain of the last six months.

A new shape to life is emerging and its truly OK, Im at peace with myself and with Alistair passing. I know that there are plenty of good and truly lovely people, family and friends, who are there for me no matter what, thank you, knowing you are there makes such a difference. This is my journey now and I intend to travel it as richly and meaningfully as I can, with my heart and mind open, steadfast in all that I do and shining brightly with love and light so Alistair will always see me. Namaste Alistair ” The Spirit in Me Salutes the Spirit in You ” x