50!!!!! Birthday Blog

26 10 2015

Today I am 50 ūüôā

As this¬†year has unfolded and I wander though the ‘wilderness of widowhood’, a territory that like many life transitions remains¬†completely¬†unnavigated¬†until¬†you find¬†yourself in it, this day, Monday 26th October, my 50th birthday, has been poking its head up on the horizon for quite some time. Not because I love to party, go out, get shit faced or herald such landmarks with noise and bluster that includes all and sundry. NO NO NO‚Ķmuch like my own mum, Im a bit of a crab apple when it comes to such things (thank¬†you Candace for my new nickname Grandma Crab Apple, I rather like it). No, its been popping into my mind because I wondered how it would be, without my man.

Im sure in a previous blog post I have rambled on about ‘A calendar¬†year’, a¬†year of firsts in the world of grief. And this seemed like it might be quite a big one.

In truth though, its not, its no more or no less than any other day. My mind could totally have made it more, without doubt, my mind like anyone else’s has the capability to awfulise, create pessimistic scenarios, draw a tapestry of doom and gloom and engage in an inner dialogue that fuels itself on ‘its not fairs’ and ‘I can’t stand its’. Whats also true, and this is no disrespect to my darling man, is that Alistair was not that good at remembering my birthday!!! Its true, he made me feel special every day and was always appreciative of me and all of the things I have written about over the¬†years. But, his forte was not birthday celebrations!

What has helped massively whilst wondering through the wilderness¬†though¬†is to plan ahead! Not my¬†greatest forte, Im not blessed with the greatest organisational skills but I am open to learn! So I have planned several lovely events with equally lovely people, and some equally lovely people have made amazing plans for me to celebrate over the next couple of weeks. Thank¬†you. This planning has extended to Alistair’s birthday and the first anniversary of his passing from this world to the next. Didn’t¬†¬†Abraham Lincoln say as much?- ‘In failing to plan¬†you are planning to fail’ thanks Abe, really helpful as the last thing I want to be is a failure‚Ķ in anything!!!

As ever, I count my blessings for all that I have and I honour all that I have had and all that is¬†yet to come. Im looking forward to the unfolding of this next¬†year and all that it brings. My heart is smiling loudly today ūüôā

Today seems a good time to thank everyone, my family and friends old and new who have shown me unwavering support, love and kindness since February. My life is richer for the love you have all brought and of course I acknowledge and offer my gratitude too to the unconditional love and light of The Universe.

Namaste x

Full Circle Finale

7 10 2015

When I started this honest and candid blog, that was never meant to be more than a peak into mine and Alistair’s life as we bent and adapted to life with the curve ball three and a half years ago, little did I know that I would eventually be writing about life on my own without my ‘Big Bear’ ¬†by my side to keep me company, protect me and love me forever.

But it occurs to me now that I have actually come full circle.

Last week I moved into my new cottage, now called ‘Mynzies’ in¬†memory of Alistair, wrapping his huge loving arms around me and saying¬†possessively and lovingly “you’re mynzies¬†nobody else’s all mynzies”. I loved being his, if I was his for all of eternity it wouldn’t have been too long. Please, no platitudes in the comment box, I know he is still around me, I know I was lucky to have known such tender and great love, I know all these things. I am merely making a statement of fact.

As the packing and boxing commenced it is true to say I packed up 107 in more ways than one. Of course I packed and wrapped all of the precious items I wanted to have with me here, I recycled, dumped (always feel bad about land fill- no excuses- I used the easy option) and charity shopped all the things that no longer had a purpose. Remember the Shamans words from a much earlier blog post? If¬†you don’t know why¬†you have something in your life either let it go or reconnect with it! ¬†Bits and bobs of Alistair’s found homes with his old biking friends Tony and Gogs (thank¬†you two too for keeping in such close contact with me- I count myself very lucky to have¬†you both in my life ūüôā and honour your friendship) and I released the hold that some of Alistair’s old jackets and clothes had over me. I even released the battered old sandals! I continued the theme of release by letting go of old photographic ‘memoirs’ of people that no longer feature in¬†my life, something quite beautifully naughty about doing that! And finally with Autumn once again upon us, I had to clear out of my sight the purple boots and jacket that I wore last¬†year that seemed to unravel a private film show in my mind¬†every time I looked at them, a film of me, drudging through town, queueing endlessly in Boots, day after day it seemed, to pick up prescriptions for Morphine, dressings, pee bags, laxatives and any other form of pain relief that was needed to try to stem the pain that wracked Alistairs body and bring him a modicum of relief. A picture of me tired to the bone, battle weary but still mustering up a smile and ready for action the next day. I feel truly saddened for that me, that part of me, ¬†I intend to care for her and treat her with the respect and love that she totally deserves.

And then of course there was the emotional letting go. Letting go of the horror, the trauma, the emotional assault course that I faced daily that is the true picture of nursing not just someone at home until their death but the person I¬†loved more than anything in the whole wide world, the person that was the out breath to my¬†in. Of course we love/d our children, adore/d them, but the love between man and woman is a totally different love to the love we have for our children. So I let go and left behind me all of the pain- the memories, the conflicts that came along and the sickness that is cancer… you can see this move has turned out to be very cathartic.

And then the reminders, many people count down in sleeps to some exciting event, I counted down in ‘disabled showers left until I move’ and if I never see one or have to use one again, it will still be too soon! The stair lift,the riser recliner chair, the disabled aids and gadgets, all gone from me now and no place for them in ‘Mynzies’.

So here I am in  a beautiful cottage not dissimilar to the one we had to sell as a result of the curve ball, the one that Candace and Kirt and I hold dearly in our memories of the time our family was together. This one is smaller and cuter! Its perfect for me, it beckons newness, it heralds a new dawning of me, as I begin to darn the next mosaic of my souls tapestry. Im ready to move forward, to dust off the grey matter and continue my studies. To travel, to write, to welcome myself into the third stage of womanhood. Im going to be 50 in three weeks time, Im off to India to celebrate, to soothe my spirit and to let the last vestiges of the onslaught of 2014/2015 leave my aura for good.

When I wrote my opening blog over three years ago about having to leave our beloved Angel wrapped cottage little did I know that a little over three years later I would be embracing the challenge of widowhood and living in another angel wrapped cottage, only the wings of this angel belong to my darling Alistair.

Namaste friends Namaste x


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