Damn Strong Those Anchors!

10 04 2016

I never really know whats going to appear in these posts until i start writing and then the hope is that I can somehow un-jumble the tapestry of riches that life has bestowed upon me since the last post into something that is meaningful and read-worthy.

Ive just returned from a weekend in Cologne staying with a beautiful couple that I met in India on the last day of my holiday last November. In India she called me “The lady on the sunbed”. Now she calls me her sister. The three of us only had a brief encounter of about 10 minutes in India, our friendship since then has flourished thanks to the wonders of social media!

The Universe, once again, placed the right people at the right time for me on my pathway. The pathway of the life of Rebekah- Zillah that began but a few short months ago when Zillah arrived and I made my first faltering steps, inwardly anxious, as my child sized feet stepped up to the seemingly Herculean task of rebuilding a happy, satisfying and joyful life for myself. Each step bringing new experiences, creating more memories for my soul and teaching me more and more about the latent inner resources that I carry deep within.

So my two german friends… They say like attracts like, and we did!. As I arrived at their home nestled deep within the forest, I was greeted by an abundance of crystals and stones, huge lumps of amethyst, dream catchers and crystal sun catchers each carrying its own beautiful healing energy and peace giving qualities. When the heart chakra is open and connected to another soul, being in their company is effortless, conversation flows easily and silences are relaxed, hours are confused with minutes and smiles and joy from deep within leave a feeling of deep contentment. Safe to say we three connected our heart chakras. They welcomed me and loved me and cared for me. What a gift.

They even had walking shoes in the right size for me; “These shoes will await your return Rebekah, as will the house”. Of course I know that I will have to add to that welcome with my own teacup, theres many a cupboard far and wide, near and far paying homage to little secondhand bone china Rebekah teacup. Rest assured if you have a teacup  of mine in your home you are dearly held in my heart!!

I would have visited anyway at some point in the year but essentially I went to join the big 50th birthday celebration. 100 guests, live music and a new destination to explore with fab people, whats not to like. Nothing, there was nothing not to like so why the uneasy feeling that started a wrestling match in my guts as the party started? Weird, Im not afraid of crowds, Im no shrinking violet and I can chat shit as good as the next person. Fair enough, in this particular instance the shit that was most likely being chatted was in German of which I have no knowledge but all the same. And I did look just ever so slightly different to everyone else, but then I look different to everyone else in Saffy and thats never set off any insecurities.

So, poker face set- I dont mean that I had a face as long as West Street, I mean that I kept a smile on my face that I hope  reached my eyes and didn’t give away the inner wobble that was gathering strength and threatening to take me hostage. I felt homesick, I wanted to be in my garden, my bastion of safety and calm, with my favourite teapot and my eclectic choice of teacup with me wrapped up in my Mexican prayer rug burning incense and I suppose in all honesty looking like I belong in the loony bin!

Still, I smiled.

I’ve only ever come close to a real panic attack twice, once the day after Alistair passed, the why’s and wherefores of that are unimportant now, and the first time ever was in Germany nearly 2 years ago when I came face to face with the worst situation and the worst few days I have ever had to live through in my life. Ive been through some shit over the years, lets be honest, who hasn’t, but to help you understand where this memory sits in the hierarchy of difficulty, it was worse than the day my ex husband had me arrested and I spent 9 hours in a police cell fearing I would spend even more time at Her Majesty’s Pleasure. And, it was worse than the day Alistair died. Ive written about this so no need to rewrite history, suffice to say, Alistair went into kidney failure and nearly died, I was alone, didn’t speak the language, didnt actually have a clue where I was, had nowhere to stay and felt sick to my guts with worry that he would die in Germany and just didnt know at all what was going to happen.

And there you have it Ladies and Gentleman… a brilliant example of how an anchor can be triggered, in this case an auditory and kinaesthetic one, the sound and feeling of being surrounded by German voices  brought all  the emotions flooding back that actually belonged to that traumatic event from my past 2 years ago.  No shit Sherlock! I had no idea that was lodged somewhere deep in my bones, loitering with intent waiting for its moment to strike. Maybe the BioEnergetics workshop moved it a bit closer to the surface last weekend!

Still I smiled. I smiled and chatted and made friends and we crept back at 2 o’clock in the morning.. the sign of a good party. And, I have had an utterly enjoyable weekend and count my blessings for the friendship and love of these two dear people who I know will be long standing friends. They tell me there is package waiting for me in Berlin… which basically means I must go back. However, the unease and homesick feeling stayed, all day, in the sun, walking in the clean air with the sound of running water with amazing countryside, all the way to the airport and all the way home. Even knowing its origin didn’t shift it. It stayed right up until the moment I got back to ‘Mynzies’, dressed like a loony, lit the incense and took tea in the garden. Then all of me smiled.

And to the one person that knew what was going on and helped me dig deep, find my courage and keep smiling, to borrow your phrase, I say to you “A Thousand Thank you’s” x

Om Shanti x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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One response

11 04 2016
Kim (Who but You? project)

You do seem to be growing and blossoming again and again. Hooray for finding good people (and for them finding us): for heart chakras!

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