Lonely, afraid and a tad angry!

6 08 2014

I thought long and hard before writing this particular blog as I knew it would be tough to write and probably hard to read. But I remember when i first started out on this blogging lark, I promised I would be honest. So I can’t just pick the good bits out because they are more palatable or easier to hear.

So here i am again, the small panic attack that made its home in my solar plexus whilst we were in Germany  just a couple of months ago has now moved into my stomach and is held in place by a metaphorical Kilner Jar with a big seal and a couple of metal clips. The emotions in the jar have the makings of a fairly substantial emotional wreck soup; fear, pain, worry, stress, tiredness, grief, sadness, loss and a good measure of aching for my soul mate.

I find myself on a perpetual roller coaster at the moment, not quite knowing whats going to be around the next bend and how long the straight bits will be straight until the next drop comes.

What’s difficult right now is keeping positive and hopeful when Im watching the man who has reached right into the depths of my heart and allowed me into his to love him unconditionally having such a struggle with his physical self. His poor body is having such a hard time, it is having to go through so much pain, so much difficulty in moving, his kidneys struggled again and now he is having to adjust to living with pee bags as his ureters have been bypassed in a procedure called a Nephrostomy.

A rare complication of prostate cancer is a metastatic spinal cord compression. Funny (not in a ha ha way) that its called rare as at this moment both my poor old dad and my darling husband both have the same complication. The medical consensus is that this is causing the mobility problems that Alistair is having. Basially his 2nd Lumbar Vertebra is a bony mass of prostate cancer cells and they are pressing down on the nerves in the spinal cord causing nerve pain and difficulty in walking, Left to its own devices it will render Alistair paralysed.

So currently he is in Addenbrooks receiving radiation to his lumbar over 5 days to ease the swelling and help him to remain mobile. The said nephrostomy also took place a couple of days ago as a matter of urgency.

Its been a hard time for Alistair also to be surrounded by all things medical (and please there are absolutely no complaints here, the majority of the staff have been absolutely amazing, the care second to none and all in all a very humbling experience). But, he of course has had to fight his corner to be heard, to have his own views taken into consideration and to keep his core strength from being ebbed away by the cycle of intervention. The other thing that’s tough being on a cancer ward is that very sadly there are a lot of very very very poorly people all around him, that will inevitably pull him down, so he’s had to dig in really deep and find his strength. But, his celtic ancestry and his soul family has not let him down. I must admit he had me really really worried tonight, those widows weeds were nipping at my ankles again. But, I just had this text from him that beeped in on my phone as I am writing this blog: ” Big Bears got the Ball again, Im not going anywhere” 🙂

So, hope comes back in, fear recedes to the back burner and the evening can steer through much calmer waters. He also has been put under the care of a pretty alright Doctor- who was honest enough to say that he wouldn’t want chemo either – we both admire that level of honesty so we are both quite happy to be under his care. Thats actually quite a big move for Alistair too.

I sometimes don’t know how i manage, but having these people around me carry me through: I am so very grateful to Candace and Kirt who have loved me so very dearly and looked after me emotionally especially during these past 9 days. My sister Kates constant love, support and prayers have no doubt enabled me to carry on day in and day out coping with a situation that I never dreamed I could manage. My beautiful niece Sophie who quietly cheers me on and I’m sure prays continuously for us. Gillian and Uncie Paul are like the International Rescue team and we would be completely lost without them. And Hannah, always there for her dad, offers help, brings food and always does all she can for her dad.

I also know that there are many messages of hope, love and support coming in daily for Alistair and me and we both feel really blessed and thankful for these. We have both spent many years helping others and a great many of our clients are now helping us in may ways.

So thank you from both of us, and we pray for love light and healing from the Universe. x

 

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