A Quiet Longing in my Heart

28 05 2015

I came across some photos of me on Alistair’s iPad the other day, I think they were taken around January time, I was pretty shocked at the haggard and wrung out little face that stared back at me.  I mentioned it to Candace and my sister Kate and they both said ” Oh yes you looked absolutely dreadful, we were getting worried about you”!

Im pleased to note that I don’t look like that anymore. A friend mentioned the other day that my face is open again and all the strain has gone out of my neck and shoulders, and it feels like that, like I’m upright again. Im taking good care of myself and of my needs and Im looking and feeling much more like my old self again. Sad to see Alistair’s demise and the toll it took on both of us. From what I’ve seen of Alistair on his higher plane though he is now positively glowing with vitality and energy, fully restored and radiant.

Alistair’s passing has woken me up spiritually and taken my spiritual practice to a whole other level, makes sense really, I can’t hold hands with him across the Planes if Im spiritually shut down! Its a strange mix of being totally free, like the lid has been lifted off and my spirit is soaring, yet with a sense of deep inner peace and feeling totally grounded. Archie, ever the loving and loyal companion indulges me on my shamanic expeditions on his morning walks through some of the most glorious countryside and waits patiently while I talk to and draw energy from the beautiful Oaks that pepper the edges of the fields. As I’m on my own now I can fully indulge all my weird and wonderful beliefs and practices, I’ve found a nearby group of Universal Dancers of Peace, I’ve joined and I’m thoroughly looking forward to the first meet! The mosaics is good but the chit chat is a little too right wing.

Im looking forward to more re-energising when I go off to Turkey next week, 9 days alone and then Candace, Charlie Rascal and Kirt join me for another week. We get along really easily together, never any animosity and always plenty of laughter. I count my blessing every day to have them in my life.  Remember, I tried Turkey out alone last year, more so I knew I would be able to do it on my own when I had to, Im glad I did because now I am alone and I don’t feel daunted. I am compelled to take Alistair’s sandals with me though, they can just be there in amongst my luggage, Alistair in his sandals, thats a good memory for me 🙂 And to honour his love of Dalyan I will sprinkle a tiny bit of his ashes in the river.

I have lots of plans, Candace and I are busy planning the redirection our practice, it got somewhat pushed aside in the months leading up to Alistair’s passing, understandably of course but its time to breath new life into it. We are planning a series of workshops and intend to shine a new light on this thing called ‘grief’ that comes with preconceived ideas of how it is and what is must be like. Lots of  peoples understanding of it seems to be stuck on Kubler Ross’ old 5 stage model (denial, bargaining, depression, anger, acceptance) and people in general seem a bit miffed if you haven’t shoehorned yourself into something that resembles that. I know many people are still waiting with a half raised eyebrow for me to ‘come out of shock’ and fall apart. Thats not because they are mean, its because they have been conditioned to believe the myths of grief.

This of course doesn’t mean I have a stone heart or that I am a cold unfeeling person! Surely that must be evident after all these blog posts and this brutally honest insight into our lives! I have adjusted and adapted really well to life without Alistair, I had a huge sense of relief when he passed, for both of us and I also as you know hold very strong spiritual beliefs that leave me in no shadow of a doubt that Alistair’s Spirit is totally flowing through all that is. We are energy and energy can never be destroyed. I also, alongside this, experience on a daily basis a quiet longing in the depths of my heart to be with him physically. To feel his tender touch, the brush of his lips against mine, to hear him laugh, to have him hold me and comfort me and love me in a way that I will never be loved again until he holds out his hand and guides me to join him when my time has come.

Until that time, I have a life to be lived, a heartful of love to give and a spirit full of joy to share 🙂

Namaste Alistair, Namaste friends x









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