Soft is my heart

25 04 2016

Another first, another success,  Camping alone!  I started writing this blog yesterday evening under the starry skies on my trusty tattered old sheepskin rug next to my roaring campfire whilst praying ” Oh please Dear God help my tiny bones remember the sweet warmth of this campfire in the tiniest and coldest hours of the night, Please”!

It had been mighty cold the night before, and I mean mighty. It reminded me of our first winter in Gladys when we were wet behind the ears and ill prepared for the cold winter that year brought, but of course then I’d had the warmth of Big Bear to snuggle up to. Not so these days obviously so I’d had to resort to almost hyperventilating by breathing in and out through my mouth just to warm the air up around my head!!  However, a hot water bottle had been hastily borrowed so warmth should surely be my bed companion on the second night of this wild woman expedition!

Why did I go? Its a valid question friends and one that has been asked to me by many. A lovely wiser and much older woman whom I have had the pleasure of knowing for many many years and who I visited yesterday said to her husband ” Isn’t she brave to camp on her own”, ” No” he replied “She’s bloody stupid”!!

I didn’t know exactly why I needed to camp but I knew back in February that I did. It was after the communal yurt experience, something stirred in me, being so close to the Earth and I needed more of it.  This particular weekend had been in my diary since the beginning of March. I’d had to jiggle it around college weekends (another year to go on that front, be so glad when I’ve completed it), work and a social calendar that believe it or not is pretty damn busy, thats something that this former crab apple would never have dreamt of hearing herself say six months ago. In truth though it didnt’ just happen, I’ve created it. I’ve worked really hard to live each day to the full, to find joy in my life,  to let my heart smile, to make myself vulnerable, to risk rejection and put myself forward for things that I may or may not have liked and the end result of that is that full calendar filled with stuff that by and large I love love love.

But, back to the camping story….

I was supposed to be going to Cumbria, way up in the Northern most Lakes for a spot of wild swimming, a bit of hill walking as much as my knackered out knee joint would manage and some soaking up of the fabulous energy that the Lake District has to offer. But a cold weather front intervened (or so I thought) and so with the help of a couple of girlfriends a new location was sought, Glastonbury or Sussex was what it boiled down to. My girlfriend asked me- “ Why are you going, you’re going to freeze my dear tiny friend”? My reply was honest “To Re-Earth myself Kim and I really wanted rugged and wild”. “ Sussex then if you want wild” she said,  “Glastonbury is too chilled-you’ll float come from there”

So, thats where I ended up, in the heart of the South Downs at an amazing little site, in my own little glade aptly named ‘Boho’ practicing not being cold (failed) and reminding myself how to live simply, to need less, to want less, to give more, to open my heart, to have the courage to feel again and to reconnect with the Chi Energy of our dear Mother Earth. The site managers are adorable, we hit it off straight away, she has a love of all things alternative and likes to hug, whats not to like?

I actually had an amazing weekend, I never cease to be amazed by the synchronistic workings of The Universe, the lining up of the right people at the right time, a change in location, a reason for me being where I was when I was. I was totally meant to be in Sussex this weekend. The pull to Re-Earth was so overwhelming but there was so much more in store for me. Around that amazing campfire I went inwards,befriended my discomfort, wept freely and let go of old beliefs that I have held about myself for far too long. Stubborn ones that have refused to relinquish fully their hold of self doubt over me for the best part of 24 years when I first started my journey of spiritual practice and inner growth. Beliefs that had been overcome in one situation only to pop up unexpectedly when I find myself in a new situation putting me on an unconscious trajectory of procrastination, passiveness or downright fear. I am always always always willing to look inwards, Im always willing to do the emotional work, those that have worked with me know that I believe firmly that you can’t do any kind of emotional bypass,spiritual or otherwise. you have to meet, greet, let go of and heal those damn limiting beliefs that are handed down  from generation to generation until someone (in this case me) says STOP, I want to be free and feel differently about myself and my place in this world. Its a bit like shedding layers isn’t it, getting to who I really am when I let go of who or how I thought I was expected to be.

I woke this morning, snuggled like a dormouse in a tiny ball of warmth under about a million blankets and duvets and wrapped like a silkworm in a sleeping bag and unusually for me a little reticent to get outside into the cold! However, my love for tea the moment I wake up overrode my ‘not manning up to the cold’ moment. As I sat with my tea contemplating the past 48 hours of my wild woman expedition it dawned on me that actually ‘the campfire experience of letting go of limitations’ had been one of the best ‘workshops I have ever actually attended!! And the best I have facilitated, I held a really good space for myself and took great care of myself throughout!!!

And would you believe…I met with the owner of the site, I met with the adorable site managers, they have a perfect almost private little bit of woodland with a beautiful story attached to it, overlooking the South Downs with glade pitches for five or six tents and a huge glade at the bottom for me to run (only for the bravest of souls) a beautiful weekend retreat under canvas…”The Campfire Experience of Letting Go” ,to borrow a quote from the wonderful David Bowie “…an extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been”

What an adventure I’ve had this weekend, what a blessing that I ended up in Sussex and what an exciting opportunity The Universe has presented me with. Synchronicity at it’s best. Im receiving many blessings just now and I receive them with gratitude and love.

Om Shanti and Namaste friends x







I dont want to use the widow label anymore… i don’t want to be boxed in or fit a brand… i just want to be me…rebekah-zillah

Damn Strong Those Anchors!

10 04 2016

I never really know whats going to appear in these posts until i start writing and then the hope is that I can somehow un-jumble the tapestry of riches that life has bestowed upon me since the last post into something that is meaningful and read-worthy.

Ive just returned from a weekend in Cologne staying with a beautiful couple that I met in India on the last day of my holiday last November. In India she called me “The lady on the sunbed”. Now she calls me her sister. The three of us only had a brief encounter of about 10 minutes in India, our friendship since then has flourished thanks to the wonders of social media!

The Universe, once again, placed the right people at the right time for me on my pathway. The pathway of the life of Rebekah- Zillah that began but a few short months ago when Zillah arrived and I made my first faltering steps, inwardly anxious, as my child sized feet stepped up to the seemingly Herculean task of rebuilding a happy, satisfying and joyful life for myself. Each step bringing new experiences, creating more memories for my soul and teaching me more and more about the latent inner resources that I carry deep within.

So my two german friends… They say like attracts like, and we did!. As I arrived at their home nestled deep within the forest, I was greeted by an abundance of crystals and stones, huge lumps of amethyst, dream catchers and crystal sun catchers each carrying its own beautiful healing energy and peace giving qualities. When the heart chakra is open and connected to another soul, being in their company is effortless, conversation flows easily and silences are relaxed, hours are confused with minutes and smiles and joy from deep within leave a feeling of deep contentment. Safe to say we three connected our heart chakras. They welcomed me and loved me and cared for me. What a gift.

They even had walking shoes in the right size for me; “These shoes will await your return Rebekah, as will the house”. Of course I know that I will have to add to that welcome with my own teacup, theres many a cupboard far and wide, near and far paying homage to little secondhand bone china Rebekah teacup. Rest assured if you have a teacup  of mine in your home you are dearly held in my heart!!

I would have visited anyway at some point in the year but essentially I went to join the big 50th birthday celebration. 100 guests, live music and a new destination to explore with fab people, whats not to like. Nothing, there was nothing not to like so why the uneasy feeling that started a wrestling match in my guts as the party started? Weird, Im not afraid of crowds, Im no shrinking violet and I can chat shit as good as the next person. Fair enough, in this particular instance the shit that was most likely being chatted was in German of which I have no knowledge but all the same. And I did look just ever so slightly different to everyone else, but then I look different to everyone else in Saffy and thats never set off any insecurities.

So, poker face set- I dont mean that I had a face as long as West Street, I mean that I kept a smile on my face that I hope  reached my eyes and didn’t give away the inner wobble that was gathering strength and threatening to take me hostage. I felt homesick, I wanted to be in my garden, my bastion of safety and calm, with my favourite teapot and my eclectic choice of teacup with me wrapped up in my Mexican prayer rug burning incense and I suppose in all honesty looking like I belong in the loony bin!

Still, I smiled.

I’ve only ever come close to a real panic attack twice, once the day after Alistair passed, the why’s and wherefores of that are unimportant now, and the first time ever was in Germany nearly 2 years ago when I came face to face with the worst situation and the worst few days I have ever had to live through in my life. Ive been through some shit over the years, lets be honest, who hasn’t, but to help you understand where this memory sits in the hierarchy of difficulty, it was worse than the day my ex husband had me arrested and I spent 9 hours in a police cell fearing I would spend even more time at Her Majesty’s Pleasure. And, it was worse than the day Alistair died. Ive written about this so no need to rewrite history, suffice to say, Alistair went into kidney failure and nearly died, I was alone, didn’t speak the language, didnt actually have a clue where I was, had nowhere to stay and felt sick to my guts with worry that he would die in Germany and just didnt know at all what was going to happen.

And there you have it Ladies and Gentleman… a brilliant example of how an anchor can be triggered, in this case an auditory and kinaesthetic one, the sound and feeling of being surrounded by German voices  brought all  the emotions flooding back that actually belonged to that traumatic event from my past 2 years ago.  No shit Sherlock! I had no idea that was lodged somewhere deep in my bones, loitering with intent waiting for its moment to strike. Maybe the BioEnergetics workshop moved it a bit closer to the surface last weekend!

Still I smiled. I smiled and chatted and made friends and we crept back at 2 o’clock in the morning.. the sign of a good party. And, I have had an utterly enjoyable weekend and count my blessings for the friendship and love of these two dear people who I know will be long standing friends. They tell me there is package waiting for me in Berlin… which basically means I must go back. However, the unease and homesick feeling stayed, all day, in the sun, walking in the clean air with the sound of running water with amazing countryside, all the way to the airport and all the way home. Even knowing its origin didn’t shift it. It stayed right up until the moment I got back to ‘Mynzies’, dressed like a loony, lit the incense and took tea in the garden. Then all of me smiled.

And to the one person that knew what was going on and helped me dig deep, find my courage and keep smiling, to borrow your phrase, I say to you “A Thousand Thank you’s” x

Om Shanti x








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