Tantric in the title should have been warning enough Rebekah!

2 08 2015

So here I am on my lovely decking in our spiritual garden, surrounded by tub after tub of amazing flowers and trees, pots of ferns and pinks and clematis and roses. All manner of ornaments, jewellery and chimes hanging and twinkling from various places and a wooden bowl steadily filling up with the treasures that I gather on my daily walks that get hand painted or decorated when the whim takes me. The suns gone down, the dusk is setting and to top it all off Ive found a Scottish folk festival on the radio to listen to! Wonderful. The speaking is in Gaelic so i have no idea what they are saying but who cares its really soothing.

I had many choices today to entertain myself, an offer of company and tea at new friends house, a place booked at Moon Henge in Cambridge for a pagan blessing ceremony and the idea of going to the local pictures to see ‘Spy’. And yet when it came to it… I stayed here, with Archie. It felt like I needed to be near home, near to Alistair and my feelings maybe. I ached, really really ached for him this afternoon. To be able to climb into my own special space right next to him and sniff him in and feel his love encompass me, yes, ache is the right word.

I think thats where I am now on this journey of widowhood, missing physical touch with him. Skin Hungry is a phrase that I have come across, the need for touch. So this is a new transition for me, a different face of the loss of my man, my best friend, my lover.  So I fired up my friend Google and read on forums and other sites about what other people who are alone might have done to help with this. Those that know me know me to be open minded and not shy at trying things that are a bit “out there” so when tantric massage came up as option I thought, well, OK, let me find out a bit more about it!!!

I’ll tell you why I found.., NAKED man with his wobbly ugly bits bobbling about whilst he oiled and massaged his female subject!!! That, I was not expecting. I got a bit more alarmed the more I ventured onto the Tantric Massage sites. Please enlighten me if I have got this wrong but it seemed to me as if I had stumbled onto message sites that used Tantric Massage as a euphemism for “call me and I will come round to you and give you a sorting out”!!! So, I closed my mind to that particular avenue of touch. Made me smile though and I think it probably made Alistair chuckle too (dirty slut he’s probably thinking).

So, after that I kept it clean, had a pot of tea, cried a bit cos I felt sorry for myself and then got back on with channeling that energy into creating some lovely shabby chic effect on an old table ready for my upcoming house move. I SOLD really quickly and bought an old Victorian cottage, just big enough to swing a cat in (too bad Ive got a dog, a huge great big 7 stone one at that and far too heavy to be swung). Its a really beautiful little house for me and Archie and the best thing about it is that Alistair and I looked at it together online before we bought this one so its like he knows where I will be. I love that thought.

Im hoping to be in by early September and I know that that cottage will herald the dawning of the next part of my souls journey. The widow and the wolf finding their way, unleashing the “Wild Woman’ within and uncovering an ancient aspect of myself that has been asleep for a very very long time (Candace and I are currently reading Women Who Run With the Wolves, I would go so far as to say it should be compulsory reading for all women.. prescriptive I know but its a revelation).

It seems really important to me when I write to be truthful about how I feel,  but because I have had some painful feelings today that doesn’t mean that Im not OK. Im content, deeply content, I have inner peace, I am richly blessed every day, I am loved and, having to live without Alistair has forced me to open up fully to my spiritual life. I like it, a lot 🙂





A Quiet Longing in my Heart

28 05 2015

I came across some photos of me on Alistair’s iPad the other day, I think they were taken around January time, I was pretty shocked at the haggard and wrung out little face that stared back at me.  I mentioned it to Candace and my sister Kate and they both said ” Oh yes you looked absolutely dreadful, we were getting worried about you”!

Im pleased to note that I don’t look like that anymore. A friend mentioned the other day that my face is open again and all the strain has gone out of my neck and shoulders, and it feels like that, like I’m upright again. Im taking good care of myself and of my needs and Im looking and feeling much more like my old self again. Sad to see Alistair’s demise and the toll it took on both of us. From what I’ve seen of Alistair on his higher plane though he is now positively glowing with vitality and energy, fully restored and radiant.

Alistair’s passing has woken me up spiritually and taken my spiritual practice to a whole other level, makes sense really, I can’t hold hands with him across the Planes if Im spiritually shut down! Its a strange mix of being totally free, like the lid has been lifted off and my spirit is soaring, yet with a sense of deep inner peace and feeling totally grounded. Archie, ever the loving and loyal companion indulges me on my shamanic expeditions on his morning walks through some of the most glorious countryside and waits patiently while I talk to and draw energy from the beautiful Oaks that pepper the edges of the fields. As I’m on my own now I can fully indulge all my weird and wonderful beliefs and practices, I’ve found a nearby group of Universal Dancers of Peace, I’ve joined and I’m thoroughly looking forward to the first meet! The mosaics is good but the chit chat is a little too right wing.

Im looking forward to more re-energising when I go off to Turkey next week, 9 days alone and then Candace, Charlie Rascal and Kirt join me for another week. We get along really easily together, never any animosity and always plenty of laughter. I count my blessing every day to have them in my life.  Remember, I tried Turkey out alone last year, more so I knew I would be able to do it on my own when I had to, Im glad I did because now I am alone and I don’t feel daunted. I am compelled to take Alistair’s sandals with me though, they can just be there in amongst my luggage, Alistair in his sandals, thats a good memory for me 🙂 And to honour his love of Dalyan I will sprinkle a tiny bit of his ashes in the river.

I have lots of plans, Candace and I are busy planning the redirection our practice, it got somewhat pushed aside in the months leading up to Alistair’s passing, understandably of course but its time to breath new life into it. We are planning a series of workshops and intend to shine a new light on this thing called ‘grief’ that comes with preconceived ideas of how it is and what is must be like. Lots of  peoples understanding of it seems to be stuck on Kubler Ross’ old 5 stage model (denial, bargaining, depression, anger, acceptance) and people in general seem a bit miffed if you haven’t shoehorned yourself into something that resembles that. I know many people are still waiting with a half raised eyebrow for me to ‘come out of shock’ and fall apart. Thats not because they are mean, its because they have been conditioned to believe the myths of grief.

This of course doesn’t mean I have a stone heart or that I am a cold unfeeling person! Surely that must be evident after all these blog posts and this brutally honest insight into our lives! I have adjusted and adapted really well to life without Alistair, I had a huge sense of relief when he passed, for both of us and I also as you know hold very strong spiritual beliefs that leave me in no shadow of a doubt that Alistair’s Spirit is totally flowing through all that is. We are energy and energy can never be destroyed. I also, alongside this, experience on a daily basis a quiet longing in the depths of my heart to be with him physically. To feel his tender touch, the brush of his lips against mine, to hear him laugh, to have him hold me and comfort me and love me in a way that I will never be loved again until he holds out his hand and guides me to join him when my time has come.

Until that time, I have a life to be lived, a heartful of love to give and a spirit full of joy to share 🙂

Namaste Alistair, Namaste friends x









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