This is how it is

3 11 2014

Tricky sometimes to stay true to the promise I made when I first started this blog two and a half years ago. The promise being that I would always be honest about life. I realise that the story has moved on from “Living with Gladys” as we now live conventionally in Saffy within brick built walls so its more about living with medically incurable cancer.

Telling it as it is seems tricky though because it could cause upset to the last person I would want to upset, the man himself, cancer pants Alistair. So in my honest ramblings this evening I want to make it clear that Alistair is in no way a burden to me and I will do this a thousand times over for him day in day out until he is either healed or released from his pain and dis-ease.

As I have mentioned in previous posts though, its tough going. Never again will I neglect the role of the carer in any situation. It puts me in mind of my dear old Dad, crippled with bone metastasis from the prostate cancer that we all thought had gone away but stoically looking after my Mum who had developed some form of dementia. There are countless people silently, bravely and humbly looking after their loved ones, never giving a thought for their own needs and sacrificing their own lives for the good of their loved ones. So please, I am no saint and I am only doing what thousands of other caring people are doing. The only difference here is that I’m a bit of a big mouth and share it for the world to read on a blog!

Cancer though like most chronic dis-eases wreaks havoc.

Of course primarily for its unsuspecting victims who must find the courage, bravery, strength, determination and spirit to overcome the physical, emotional and psychological assault courses that it creates on a daily basis. The strength and courage to heal, to strive to recover and to accept perhaps things that would have previously been deemed unacceptable. Alistair, you must hold your head high with pride at the tremendous strength of character you show on a daily basis to rise above one crises after another. One blow to your body after blow. Your poor body struggling as the cancer has claimed more of your physical self than seems fair for any man or woman to have to bare. So no competition here for who life is harder for, let me make that clear.

And then there is the havoc to our everyday life. Gone are the days of carefree Alistair and Rebekah time. Alistair is totally dependant on me, for everything almost. Its almost impossible to leave the house for a relaxed afternoon pottering about. So forget that our children are grown and we can have our own coupledom, thats sort of gone out of the window.

Before I leave either for work, college or on the rare occasion pleasure I have to make sure all eventualities are covered, snacks, meals, drinks, gadgets and gismos all need to be in easy reach. The commode, just in case (thankfully since the radiation flair has calmed down this is rarely needed), meds obviously need to be arranged and sorted, dry body brushing to overcome the lymphodema created by the radiation really needs to be fitted in. Pee bags need washing and the pee bottle needs constantly emptying and cleaning. Bedding needs changing at a rate of knots previously unheard of! Juicing is essential, the Budwig muesli needs making, the dog needs walking and training!!!!!!!!! And then when I do get out Ive got half an eye on how long I’ve been.

Then there’s the emotional ups and downs. When Alistair is in tears with pain, or afraid, or losing hope or just pissed off and down.

Then there is this weird half life when the morphine has sort of switched him off but he’s semi awake.  Asleep but awake, hard to explain but really weird to be around. Lonely really even though I can see him right there in the next room!

I miss my friend, it seems ages ago I had him truly how he is.

It feels that my smile has worn off a little bit, i feel weary a lot of the time.

Im thankful for all the support and help that we get, my sister comes every week to pray with Alistair, he loves it. My niece and nephew in law pray for us both and I know it helps. Im sure too that my many friends offer their own prayers for us in their own ways and believe me I am truly grateful for every single utterance that is given. As tough as this is.. it would be tougher without your love and prayers and faith friends.

Im hopeful that things will improve and I hold that hope in my heart everyday, but I’m also grieving for what I have lost in my relationship. Hard to write equally hard to read Im sure especially for you Alistair x

But I write this with a  loving heart, a hopeful heart and a heart that still cherishes all that I have everyday, and despite all that I have written, I still have a lot to be grateful for. x








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